Not The Nine O'Clock News - 'Be My Guest!'

GRAMMOPHONE - Rowan Atkinson - Not The Nine o'Clock News

Not the Nine O'Clock News - Breakfast with the McEnroes

Not the Nine O'Clock News Darts Sketch

Barry Manilow ?-Not The Nine O'Clock News

Not the Nine O'clock News - Gerald the Gorilla

An email from a friend.

Women As Explained by Engineers

An explanation of Woman that make sense.

XKR

This should be my dream car, but I guess I'd prefer Jaguar XKR.
 

EVO magazine has picked its Car of the Year Winner: the Porsche GT3 RS, which we're going to call The Orange Crush from now on. It only just beat out the Ferrari F430 Scuderia, and had only slightly more breathing between it and the third place Audi R8. Looking at the entire top ten list, two race-cars-for-the-street beat eight other cars with nifty little features like power windows and leather seats, which makes sense, but even cars like the 350Z and Mini Cooper S Works still made it on the list.

However, the most interesting result could be that the Honda Civic Type R came in sixth... one spot ahead of the Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera. We have no idea what their exact criteria was, not having read the article, but it appears that at EVO, raging bulls should be a little more ... civic.

[Source: German Car Scene]

Petua hilang ngantuk

Kalau mengantuk jangan terus minum kopi, baca dulu sepotong ayat kursi...
 

Subject: Petua hilang ngantuk ketika memandu


Semua orang, apabila memandu kereta terutama untuk
perjalanan jauh
spt
balik kampung berhariraya, travelling kerana tugas
rasmi dsbnya, akan
merasa mengantuk yg teramat sangat ketika memandu.
Hal ini boleh
mengundang
padah kerana hanya sedetik shj anda terlelap ketika
memandu,
kemungkinan
untuk anda ditimpa kemalangan adalah 99% kerana
ketika terlelap itu,
otak
anda tidak lagi berfungsi dan sedar, mata tertutup
dan anggota tangan
dan
kaki tidak lagi dpt mengawal kenderaan yg dipandu.
Berdasarkan
pengalaman
saya, sepotong ayat Al Quran di dalam Ayat Qursi
boleh dijadikan
penawar
untuk menghilangkan rasa mengantuk ini. Potongan
ayat tersebut
berbunyi...

" LA TAKKHUDZUHU SINATUW WALA NAUM..."

(maknanya: "[DIA - ALLAH] TIDAK MENGANTUK DAN TIDAK
TIDUR")

Selain itu, amalan mustajab untuk mengelak
berlakunya kemalangan
adalah
dengan membaca Ayat Qursi 3x sebelum memasukkan
gear pertama mahu
memulakan
perjalanan anda ditambah dengan ayat

"BISMILLAHIL LADZI LA YADHURUHU MA'ASMIHI SYAIUN
FIL ARDHI WALA
FISSAMAA'
WAHUWASSAMIUN 'ALIIMM" 3X.

SELAMAT MENCUBA !! SEBARKAN KPD RAKAN2 ANDA UNTUK
MANAFAAT BERSAMA .

ALIBABA.COM

The Jack Ma story.

ALIBABA.COM

On the Record: Jack Ma

Jack Ma first touched a computer in 1995, on a visit to a friend living in Seattle. Eleven years later, this Chinese entrepreneur is one of the world's leading Internet executives.

The company he founded, Alibaba.com Corp., dominates the online auction industry in China, offering both businesses and consumers a marketplace for products ranging from computer gear to livestock.

Last year, Ma engineered a complex partnership with Yahoo China, giving Alibaba a big-name search engine, as well. The company also oversees a popular online payment service, much like PayPal in the United States, that makes Alibaba a financial conduit for China's huge population.

Ma sat down with a group of Chronicle reporters and editors recently to discuss the future of his company, his country and his industry. The following has been edited for clarity and length.

Q: How did you get involved in the Internet, considering that the Web came so late to China?

A: My first trip to the United States was in 1995. I was in Los Angeles. There was a venture between a Chinese company and a U.S. company. The Chinese company invited me to come as an interpreter.

Q: That was your job, an interpreter?

A: At that time I was a university teacher, and I had a translation agency as a part-time job. Then I went to Seattle. And for the first time in my life, I saw the Internet, and for the first time in my life I touched the keyboard of a computer.

Q: What was your reaction when you touched it?

A: I was scared, because very few companies in China had computers. Computers were considered very high technology and very expensive. So my friend said, "Jack, it's not a bomb, just touch whatever you want."

I remember it was an Apple computer. And I typed my first word on the search engine, Yahoo. I typed the word "beer." I saw U.S. beer, German beer and Japan beer, but no Chinese beer. I typed the second words, "China" and "beer," and there was no data from Yahoo or Lycos.

Then I talked to my friends. I asked, "Can we make a home page about my translation agency and see what's going on?" So we made a very ugly looking, simple home page. We launched the site at 9 a.m., and by 5 p.m. we received five e-mails. So I thought, maybe I should do this Internet thing when I get back to China.

Q: How did you learn English?

A: I learned English by myself. When I was 11 or 12 years old, China had its first group of tourists. And many people visited our city, Hangzhou.

Q: Was this in the 1970s?

A: Yes this was in the '70s. One day I met my teacher and she said that she was in the Hangzhou Hotel the day before, that there were foreign visitors and that she practiced English.

The next day, I went there and I met some American visitors and I found it very interesting to learn English. At that time, the only thing I could say was "hello," "good morning" and "sit down."

For nine years, every morning, I went to the hotel and offered to be a free guide to all the foreigners visiting Hangzhou. For nine years, I practiced my English and I improved.

Q: Your story sounds a lot like the stories we would probably call the American dream. Do you think that China is now the world's land of opportunity instead of America?

A: Yes. Of course I think China is a land of opportunity. Everything has changed so quickly in the past five and 10 years. After I touched the keyboard in Seattle, I went back to China and I said that wanted to do something called the Internet. And nobody believed me. There was Internet only outside of China.

Q: Do you feel there is a big difference in the way people in China and the way people here feel about free speech on the Internet? People in the United States are very upset to find out that Yahoo has provided information that has helped the Chinese government imprison political dissidents.

A: I'm a bit surprised about people here, outside China. This thing happened before we took over Yahoo. I had no idea about what was happening.

Q: You mean about these cases?

A: Yes. I first heard about it a few months ago at the Westlake summit (an Internet conference in China). Some Western journalists asked me about it. I had no idea.

In the past 10 years, the police never came to me and said, "Jack, we need this and that." But I got some visitors from the FBI here who said that they wanted some terrorist information.

Q: The FBI came to your company in China?

A: No, in the states. We have a lot of servers here. We cooperated because of terrorists. Definitely, you have got to cooperate with the state.

The Internet in China is definitely improving China in many ways: financially, politically and socially. Also, you see that two years ago with SARS (a deadly respiratory illness that was spreading in China at the time), the Chinese government tried to be more transparent. We knew everything that was happening. It's very difficult to hide on the Internet.

Q: You think the government was trying to be more transparent about SARS or that the Internet forced their hand?

A: I think both sides. Today, I think the Chinese government is changing very quickly. Whether it's because of the Internet or not, I don't know. Many of my classmates of my age are in government and are much more open-minded.

But for the (cases that Yahoo was involved with) in China, I haven't heard that much. If I weren't running Yahoo, I probably would have never heard of that. I still don't understand why the police came. Was it for national security reasons, for this or for that? I don't know.

Because Alibaba focuses on commerce, I've never had any problem with the government. And suddenly, when Yahoo came, I got this and that.

We set up a process today -- I think a few months ago -- if anyone comes looking for information from my company, not only Yahoo but also Taobao (Alibaba's consumer auction site) and Alibaba (the auction site for businesses). If it's national security or a terrorist, if it's criminals, or people cheating on the Internet, that's when we cooperate. The authorities must have a license or a document. Otherwise, the answer is no.

Q: Have you ever turned down the Chinese government for information?

A: Since Yahoo, I haven't got anything.

Q: So what is your policy? Does the government need a specific warrant seeking specific information?

A: It depends on which department of government.

Q: What if the government comes to you with a very open-ended question like "Tell me everything you know about Shi Tao" (a Chinese journalist imprisoned with help from Yahoo records)? Or "Turn over every record?"

A: If they come to me about giving them information about Shi Tao, I ask them. I want to know what's wrong with Shi Tao.

If it is national security, I have to comply. You have to work just like in the United States -- terrorists, criminals, some murder case.

Q: Some people suggest that user e-mail information should be moved out of China so you wouldn't have to comply with requests for information from Chinese authorities.

A: That doesn't make any sense. Even outside China, if it is a terrorist, or if it is national security, you still have to deal with it. Even if your main operation is outside China, you still have to comply.

Twenty five years ago, if I said certain things, I would probably be put in prison. Now I can talk about everything. I can criticize the government. But it depends on the things you touch.

Q: You've given eBay a lot of grief in China. What do you think of their chances in China? How are you going to compete against them?

A: I think eBay is one of the companies I respect the most in e-commerce. They are really so successful. But in China, I think they are gone. This game is over. They have made so many mistakes in China. We are lucky. Two years ago, I said that eBay lost the first battle. We won the first battle. But now I say the game is done. It is very difficult for them to come back in China.

Q: What kind of mistakes are you talking about?

A: There are several mistakes that they made. For example, they believed too much that their business model in the U.S. will work in China. It's such a good business model in the U.S., but in China the credit card system is bad and Internet infrastructure is no good. A lot of concepts here in the U.S. are good. But moving them to China takes time.

Second is the technology platform. They think that eBay needs a global technology platform, so they put the China site on their global technology platform. It sounds great, like a Boeing 747 flying is great. But if the airport is a school yard, you cannot land. Even if you want to change a button, you have to report to like 14 guys.

Q: Where does your income come from?

A: Every business that Alibaba group launches, we give three years free to users. The purpose is to make sure that we understand the customer and the customer understands the service.

With Taobao, when we launched the Web site, we promised the market that it would be free for three years. It wasn't because of competition, but because we thought you need to educate the customers.

You need to let them know what a real business-to-consumer auction is. Even now, we think it's still too early to charge because the market is so big.

Q: With Alibaba, you are able to finance all the other Web sites. How were you able to get through the first three years with Alibaba?

A: I started my first business by borrowing $2,000 from my relatives. When we started Alibaba, we gathered $60,000 from 80 people. Later, we were lucky to get investment. Venture capitalists including some from Goldman Sachs and Softbank were the first round and second round.

In our deal with Yahoo, we got a lot of cash. (Yahoo paid Alibaba $1 billion for a 40 percent stake in the Chinese company. In return, Alibaba has assumed control of Yahoo China.) But to this day, we have not touched one dollar. We got $1 billion. We gave $750 million to our investors. So we actually received $250 million from the Yahoo deal.

Q: What's the plan for the money?

A: That's the question I asked myself when I heard (years ago) that Microsoft had $900 million cash. That made Microsoft strong today. Anything could happen. The Internet is bubbling. Down. Up. Down. Up. It's always good to keep your money in a bank.

Q: A lot of the mistakes seem to be related to mergers and acquisitions. Why don't you tell us a little bit about your strategy.

A: We suddenly realized that we need a search engine. First, we need a search engine for commerce. Second, we said we needed Yahoo's global network. Third, we need experience in mergers and acquisitions.

Alibaba is very good at building start-ups: Alibaba, Taobao and AliPay. But we don't have any experience with mergers and acquisitions. It is very important for us -- a company before an IPO -- we learn how to acquire and merge.

We really wanted to do a search engine ourselves. But the thing is that if Alibaba can only build start-ups ourselves, the company will not grow.

Q: Would you give us any guidance about future acquisitions?

A: Honestly, we've had Yahoo for just eight months. I don't want our team looking at any acquisitions for another 12 months. Just forget about it. There are just too many opportunities, and as a CEO, my job is to say "no" to opportunities.

Q: Yahoo came to you because their site was going nowhere in China. What kind of mistakes were they making?

A: They believed too much in themselves, probably. They didn't see the competitors because they said "We're all powerful." When they saw competitors, they thought "Well, I can finish you in two years."

Q: Could you describe how you first met Jerry Yang, Yahoo's co-founder?

A: That was in 1997. I was working for the minister of foreign trade (Ma was the general manager of a foreign ministry company), and Jerry came to China on his first trip. Someone introduced him to me. We went to the Great Wall. We spent two or three days together with his family. For seven years, we did not contact each other. I watched him and he watched me.

Last year, around this time, I was looking for a search engine. He contacted me first. He said, "Let's talk." We were in the Pebble Beach area because there was a China digital conference. We had a 10-minute talk. I said we will focus on e-commerce but we need a search engine and I'm looking for a partner. I'm not going to do it myself.

Q: What was his reaction?

A: He was a bit surprised, I think. But he said, "Hmm, let's talk."

Q: What do you think of Google China?

A: It just got started. It's just a baby. It's difficult to make comments today, but I think they work very hard.

Q: Are you afraid of Google?

A: I'm afraid of nobody. For years, I competed with China Telecom. EBay is very scary, too. Now I think I do my job and they do their job. There's no life-long friends and there's no life-long competitors. Who knows?

Q: Do you think that China is emerging as a major competitor to the United States?

A: I don't think so. It's like two trains, with the U.S. one already running for many years. The China one is just starting to move and the speed is getting very fast.

Q: Do you think the Internet is changing the perception of Americans about China?

A: I would say that Americans probably don't know as much about China as people in China know about the U.S.

I'm always surprised when I come here. It's like in 1985, my first trip to Australia. I was surprised. I was educated in China that we were the richest country in the world and that we were the happiest people in the world. When I went to Australia, I thought, "Oh, my God."

Today, when I visit Western countries, I think people know nothing about China like I didn't know anything about the West.

Q: The Chinese government is trying to censor part of the Internet by blocking certain sites. Can that hurt your financials?

A: We feel comfortable. Of course some things should be blocked. China is such a huge country -- 1.3 billion people.

Many years ago, before I was a CEO of this company, I would say, if I'm prime minister, I would manage China this way and that way. Now I'm managing a company, and just managing a few hundred people at Yahoo is a big headache. China is such a complicated area -- different cultures. I don't think if you take the Western democracy way in China today that it will work. It will get worse. Like Russia, if you open suddenly, there will probably be trouble.

Q: Do you think it's appropriate for the government to keep pornography out of China, and off the Internet?

A: Yeah. It's a good thing. I'm a parent and I don't want my kid looking at that. China's education for sex is different. Now we are trying to teach kids in a proper way. If you allow pornography around China, you're in big trouble. You do education a little by little. You don't do it immediately.

Q: Over here, it probably took five years or so for a lot of people to feel comfortable buying products on the Internet. How many people in China feel comfortable shopping on the Internet?

A: We have 19 million registered users on Taobao, and every day we have more than 50,000 new users.

Q: Nineteen million isn't that many people in China.

A: That's why you have to have patience if you do anything in China. You have 1.3 billion people. You have 110 million registered Internet users.

So when my friends say, "Jack, I don't want to buy things online," I say, "You're not my customer. My customer is the guy who's 20 years old, 25 years old." I wait for them for four or five years. Today's young people are the future customers. We grow together with them. That's why I don't squeeze money out of the Taobao sites today.

Q: It's obvious to me that you have a huge potential as a financial institution in China. What are your ambitions there?

A: We are already involving a lot of banks in the e-commerce system. All the banks want to build up their e-banking. Unfortunately, their thinking is that they put the traditional business online and they call it e-banking. Taobao and Alibaba are now helping those banks with e-commerce.

Q: Why are you helping them? You could make a lot more money if you were a bank.

A: First, if you've got a bank, you've got to have a license. Of course, for Alibaba, Taobao, AliPay and Yahoo, we can think about it in the future. If we buy a bank, we'll probably be the largest. But no matter how big your dream is, you have to live today.

Q: Do you have any aspirations of bringing consumer auctions to the United States?

A: You mean compete with eBay, here? Yeah, I think eBay is a monopoly. If we do come, eBay will probably have a lot of problems. We can move very fast.

Q: Many U.S. companies are excited about the huge Chinese market now that Chinese are becoming more prosperous and spending more money. Do you think that there are a few big things that most American companies don't understand?

A: Don't have high expectations for everything. That's my philosophy. When everyone sees a huge opportunity, you've got to be careful. Use your mind. Say "What can I really do there?" You've got to go step by step.

Q: What about culturally? Do you think that U.S. companies have trouble understanding Chinese customers?

A: Consider freedom of speech. The education system in the U.S. teaches all the kids to protect freedoms. We are not educated in that system. You suddenly tell people you're free, and the whole country will be bad. We are educated in a different way.

Q: Do you plan to take your company public?

A: I would rather build up our company strong and then go public. I want China to create a company that can create value for a long time like a GE, IBM or Microsoft. Now everyone gets an IPO, cashes out and leaves and then the company fails. We think that Alibaba is a company that can improve people's jobs. We've created a lot of jobs with Taobao. This is something to last for centuries. We're not in a hurry.

Q: You would lose a lot of control as a public company.

A: We will be a public company. It would be fair to the shareholders and the customers. Whether public or not public, you have to be transparent. Alibaba is founded by Chinese, but it's not a Chinese company. It belongs to Alibaba's users, all over the world.

Q: It's interesting that you say one of your priorities is to make China better. We get the impression talking to a lot of American companies that taking care of Americans is not necessarily a priority for them.

A: Improving China is what I can do today. If Alibaba goes bankrupt, 400,000 companies in China will go bankrupt. They rely on Alibaba.

Q: What surprises you most about America?

A: Five years ago, what really surprised me -- the passion, the innovation. Today I see that in China.

---

ON THE FIRST

TIME HE TOUCHED A COMPUTER: "I was scared because very few companies in China had computers. (They) were … high technology and very expensive."

ON COOPERATING WITH CHINESE AUTHORITIES: "If it's national security or a terrorist, if it's criminals, or people cheating on the Internet, that's when we cooperate."

ON U.S.-CHINA COMPETITION: "It's like two trains, with the U.S. one already running for many years. The China one is just starting to move and … is getting very fast."

---

BRIEFCASE

Name: Jack Ma

Company: Alibaba.com

Position: Chief executive officer

Education: Hangzhou Teacher's Institute

Work experience: Led the information department of the China International Electronic Commerce Center; founder, China Pages

Man convicted of CBT given datukship

I don't know what this means... but may be it means BE CONVICTED FOR CBT and BE GIVEN DATUKSHIP! If this is the case, then there will be more Datukship candidates for Malacca.

Man convicted of CBT given datukship

MALACCA: A former state agency official who was awarded a datukship on Monday by Malacca was convicted of criminal breach of trust in 1995. 

Former international manager of Malacca International Trade Centre, Hasnoor Sdg Husin, was found guilty and convicted of criminal breach of trust and was sentenced to nine months' jail by a Sessions Court here on April 28, 1995, DAP secretary-general Lim Guan Eng said. 

He appealed and the High Court in Malacca set aside the sentence and replaced it with one day's jail and a RM1,500 fine or six months' jail, Lim said during a press conference here yesterday. 

Hasnoor did not appeal against the conviction and paid the fine. 

When contacted, Hasnoor said he had nothing to comment except that the award was given by the state. 

He received the Darjah Mulia Seri Melaka (DMSM) on Monday in conjunction with the 69th birthday celebrations of Yang di-Pertua Negri Tun Mohd Khalil Yaakob. 

Lim said he received many letters from the people who expressed unhappiness that a convicted person had been given the datukship. 

Malacca Chief Minister Datuk Seri Mohd Ali Rustam's officers, when contacted, said the DAP had similarly raised the issue when Hasnoor was appointed to a government post a few years ago. 

Fwd: BILA SAMY VELLU BERCAKAP

An email from a friend.

BILA SAMY VELLU BERCAKAP

Ucapan Samy Vellu sempena kepulangan angsakawan Dr. Sheikh Mudzafar,
 
"Kita rasa bersyukur kerana angkawasan kita yang telah MENINGGAL DUNIA selama 10 hari telah selamat DIKEBUMI."
 
Pengertian: Kita rasa bersyukur kerana angkasawan kita yang telah ke angkasalepas selama 10 hari telah selamat mendarat di bumi.
_____________________
 
Siri lain
Samy Vellu ditemuramah tentang program angkasawan negara.
 
Lagi-lagi Samy
Samy: "…Bagi saya, ini semua adalah satu pembaziran atas duit rakyat.
Kita sepatutnya tidak hantar mereka ke bulan, tapi hantar mereka pergi
matahari. Barulah USA, Russia, respect sama kita…."
 
Penemuramah: Tapi Dato' Seri, matahari kan panas. Macam mana mau pergi
sana ?
 
Samy: Cit! itu pasal la u tara jadi mintri. Saya suda lebey 30 tahun
jadi mintri, saya musti ada jalan penyelesaian. Kita jangan pergi siang,
manyak panas. kita pigi malam, baru ada sujuuuuuk……
__._,_.___

calling greenday to the house... here's the fee.
----------------------------------------------
How much would it cost to have Green Day come to a party?: "Dear Yahoo!:
How much would it cost to have Green Day come to a party?
Chelsea
Bowling Green, Missouri
Dear Chelsea:
We suggest you contact the Richard De La Font Agency, which claims to represent Green Day for private parties. We found another Green Day private party listing at Grabow & Associates.

According to a Forbes article by Neal Santelmann called 'So You Wanna Book a Rock n' Roll Star?,' plenty of high-profile acts are available for private parties. The catch is that you have to pay them obscene amounts of money.

Most bands generally charge two to three times their regular fee for private gigs. Bon Jovi will play in your living room for $850,000, the Beastie Boys for $500,000, or Modest Mouse for $100,000.

The list goes on. Kylie Minogue sang for half an hour at a wedding banquet for $350,000, the Rolling Stones once played a 40-minute birthday party set for $7 million, and Destiny's Child recently did a bar mitzvah for some serious cash. Elton John refers to private gigs as 'bank raids or giggle money.'

You may have to wait a while, though. According to the tour schedule on their official site, Green Day is booked solid until November. Until then you can check out this nifty fan FAQ."

Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com: "LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A California woman is suing a hospital for wrongful death because her husband fainted and suffered a fatal injury after helping delivery room staff give her a pain-killing injection.

Jeanette Passalaqua, 32, filed the suit against Kaiser Foundation Hospitals and Southern California Permanente Medical Group Inc. in San Bernardino County state court last week.

In June 2004, Passalaqua's husband, Steven Passalaqua, was asked by Kaiser staff to hold and steady his wife while an employee inserted an epidural needle into her back, court papers said.

The sight of the needle caused Steven Passalaqua, 33, to faint and he fell backward, striking his head on an aluminum cap molding at the base of the wall."

One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.
All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.
"You can't do that!!" The politician cried. "I'm a politician!"
"Oh," said the masked man, "in that case give me all MY money!!"

"Who Done It"

This s a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Forget about football for a while, take a break, see what these girls can do.

VOTE FOR YOUR MISS EURO 2004

The menfolk may be doing battle on the field, but another contest rages on the other side of the white lines. Which football nation is represented by the most comely lady? Here, we present 16 luscious females, each of whom has a (very) tenuous link to football and ask: just who has the hottest totty? Click on the pictures to enlarge them and cast your votes now!

My GMAIL Account.

Thanks Azlan. If you want one, hehe...be nice to me. I might be able to help.

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that there are NEW rules and
regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our
company in 2004.

a. TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car
according to your salary. If we see you driving a
Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise.

If you drive a 10 years old car or taking public
transportation, we assume that you must have lots of
savings & money therefore you do not need a raise.

If you drive a proton, you are right where you need to
be and therefore you do not need a raise too.


b. ANNUAL LEAVE:

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a
year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


c. LUNCH BREAK:

1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need
to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a
diet pill.

d. SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor? Is MC Cert proof of
sickness?. No. If you are able to go to the doctor,
you are able to come to work.


e. TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door
will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.

f. SURGERY:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your
organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach of employment.

g. INTERNET USAGE

All personal internet usage will be recorded and
charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and
if we decide not to give you any, charges will be
deducted from your salary. (note: RM2.00 per minute).
Just for the record, 73% of the staff will not be
entitle for any salary for the next 3 months as their
internet charges has exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.



The Director

Men's Rules

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends give you.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.