Mulla Nasrudin, as everyone knows, comes from a country where fruit is
fruit, and meat is meat, and curry is never eaten. One day he was
plodding along a dusty Indian road, having newly descended from the
high mountains of Kafiristan, when a great thirst overtook him.
"Soon," he said to himself, "I must come across somewhere that good
fruit is to be had."
No sooner were the words formed in his brain than he rounded a corner
and saw sitting in the shade of a tree a benevolent-looking man, with
a basket in front of him.
Piled high in the basket were huge, shiny red fruits. "This is what I
need," said Nasrudin. Taking two tiny coppers from the knot at the end
of his turban, he handed them to the fruit-seller.
Without a word the man handed him the whole basket, for this kind of
fruit is cheap in India, and people usually buy it in smaller amounts.
Nasrudin sat down in the place vacated by the fruiterer, and started
to munch the fruits. Within a few seconds, his mouth was burning.
Tears streamed down his cheeks, fire was in his throat. The Mulla went
on eating.
An hour or two passed, and then an Afghan hillman came past. Nasrudin
hailed him. "Brother, these infidel fruits must come from the very
mouth of Sheitan!"
"Fool!" said the hillman. "Hast thou never heard of the chillis of
Hindustan? Stop eating them at once, or death will surely claim a
victim before the sun is down."
"I cannot move from here," gasped the Mulla, "until I have finished
the whole basketful."
"Madman! Those fruits belong in curry! Throw them away at once."
"I am not eating fruit any more," croaked Nasrudin, "I am eating my
money." (from, The Pleasantries of the Incredible Mulla Nasrudin, by
Idries Shah).
Was there a time when you stuck with something through to the end,
even after you realized it wasn't good for you, because you "paid for
it?" Of course, we may literally do this with food, but what about
belief systems: how often do we cling to a belief system, or ways of
seeing or doing things that clearly are not doing us any good (if they
ever did) because we "paid for it" in one way or another?
Thursday, December 26, 2002
MN is sitting outside a cafe one day, when a youth comes along and
knocks off his hat, then runs off, laughing. MN picks up his hat, and
carries on drinking his tea. The following day, the same happens, and
the next. MN's companions eventually can't stand this performance,
and ask him whether he's going to do somenting about it. "That's not
the way this sort of thing works" he says.
The next day, when he gets to the cafe, this fierce warrior is sitting
in MN's place, so he finds a seat elsewhere. Along comes the youth,
and without a second glance or thought, as is now his habit, knocks
the warrior's hat flying. The warrior leaps to his feet, draws his
sword, and before the youth can move a muscle, slices his head clean
off.
knocks off his hat, then runs off, laughing. MN picks up his hat, and
carries on drinking his tea. The following day, the same happens, and
the next. MN's companions eventually can't stand this performance,
and ask him whether he's going to do somenting about it. "That's not
the way this sort of thing works" he says.
The next day, when he gets to the cafe, this fierce warrior is sitting
in MN's place, so he finds a seat elsewhere. Along comes the youth,
and without a second glance or thought, as is now his habit, knocks
the warrior's hat flying. The warrior leaps to his feet, draws his
sword, and before the youth can move a muscle, slices his head clean
off.
Nasrudin the Hoja - A Dinner of Smells
Nasrudin the Hoja (or teacher) is a well-known and much-loved
folk hero throughout the Muslim world. Sometimes he seems foolish, but
really he is wise. Stories like this one are told from China to
Africa, and beyond.
Once, long ago, a very fine and expensive restaurant stood
on a busy street in a bustling market town.
One day, a poor man passed by this restaurant. He was
tired and hungry, for he had had nothing to eat all day. His
nostrils caught the smell of the delicious food being cooked
inside. He stopped and sniffed, smiled sadly, and began to
walk away.
But he did not get far. The owner of the restaurant came
storming out into the street.
"Come here!" he bellowed. "I saw that! You took the smell
of my food, and you'll have to pay for it!"
The poor man did not know what to do.
"I cannot pay!" he stammered. "I have no money!"
"No money!" shouted the restaurant owner. "We'll see
about that! You're coming with me to the Qadi!
A Qadi is a judge in a Muslim court. Naturally, he is very
powerful, and the poor man was frightened.
"Hmm," said the Qadi, when he had heard the story.
"Well, this is an unusual case. Let me think. Come back
tomorrow, and I'll pronounce the sentence."
What could the poor man do? He knew whatever sum
the Qadi demanded, payment would be impossible.
All night long he tossed and turned, unable to sleep for
worry. When dawn came he said his prayers and, tired and
dejected, made his way to the Qadi's court.
As he passed the mosque he spotted a familiar figure --
Nasrudin the Hoja. Suddenly, his heart lifted. For he knew
that Nasrudin was a clever man, who was sure to be able to
think of a way around the problem. He poured out his story,
and Nasrudin agreed to come to the court and speak for him.
The rich restaurant owner was already at the court,
chatting with the Qadi. The poor man saw that they were
friends, and feared the judgment would go against him.
He was right. The Qadi began heaping insults upon the
poor man as soon as he saw him, and ordered him to pay a
very large sum of money.
At once, Nasrudin stepped forward.
"My lord," he said to the Qadi. "This man is my brother.
Allow me to pay in his place."
Then the mullah took a small bag of coins from his belt an
held it next to the rich man's ear. He shook the bag, so that
the coins jingled.
"Can you hear that?" asked Nasrudin.
"Of course," the man replied, impatiently.
"Well, that is your payment," said the mullah. "My brother
has smelled your food, and you have heard his money. The
debt is paid."
And, in the face of such argument, the case was settled and
the poor man went free.
Here are a few humourus incidents that I hope you will add to your listing.
1. The legendary Maulana Rehmatullah Kairanwi of India was once involved in a debate with a Christian missionary. The missionary in his opening statement asked the Maulana, "Maulana Sahib, why did'nt God save his Prophet's grandsons when they were martyred at Karbala and did'nt Prophet Muhammad pray for their safety." The Maulana answered "God cried and said I could'nt even save my own son, how I can save your grandsons?"
2. Once a missonary on his way to run some errand hired a rickshaw. The rickshaw-puller happened to be a muslim. The christian preacher began to preach the Gospel to the R.P. The rickshaw puller got annoyed and asked the preacher "How many sons did God have?" The missionary answered "One". At this the rickshaw puller got more annoyed and said "I am a thirty year old poor rickshaw puller, I have twelve children. If your God is really as great as you claim him to be, then how come he has only one son?"
1. The legendary Maulana Rehmatullah Kairanwi of India was once involved in a debate with a Christian missionary. The missionary in his opening statement asked the Maulana, "Maulana Sahib, why did'nt God save his Prophet's grandsons when they were martyred at Karbala and did'nt Prophet Muhammad pray for their safety." The Maulana answered "God cried and said I could'nt even save my own son, how I can save your grandsons?"
2. Once a missonary on his way to run some errand hired a rickshaw. The rickshaw-puller happened to be a muslim. The christian preacher began to preach the Gospel to the R.P. The rickshaw puller got annoyed and asked the preacher "How many sons did God have?" The missionary answered "One". At this the rickshaw puller got more annoyed and said "I am a thirty year old poor rickshaw puller, I have twelve children. If your God is really as great as you claim him to be, then how come he has only one son?"
The Story Of Mulla Nasrudin And Assumptions
A certain man asked the famous Mulla Nasrudin, "What is the meaning of fate, Mulla?"
Mulla replied, "Assumptions."
"In what way?" the man asked again.
Mulla looked at him and said, "You assume things are going to go well, and they don't - that you call bad luck. You assume things are going to go badly and they don't - that you call good luck. You assume that certain things are going to happen or not happen - and you so lack intuition that you don't know what is going to happen. You assume that the future is unknown. When you are caught out - you call that Fate."
Note: This story is one of many about the interesting character called, "Mulla Nasrudin." I took it from, "The Pleasantries of the Incredible Mulla Nasrudin" by Idries Shah. I rewrote it in parts and titled it.
A certain man asked the famous Mulla Nasrudin, "What is the meaning of fate, Mulla?"
Mulla replied, "Assumptions."
"In what way?" the man asked again.
Mulla looked at him and said, "You assume things are going to go well, and they don't - that you call bad luck. You assume things are going to go badly and they don't - that you call good luck. You assume that certain things are going to happen or not happen - and you so lack intuition that you don't know what is going to happen. You assume that the future is unknown. When you are caught out - you call that Fate."
Note: This story is one of many about the interesting character called, "Mulla Nasrudin." I took it from, "The Pleasantries of the Incredible Mulla Nasrudin" by Idries Shah. I rewrote it in parts and titled it.
AMBITION
Nasrudin was being interviewed for employment in a department store.
The personnel manager said: 'We like ambitious men here. What sort of a job are you after?' 'All right,' said Nasrudin, 'I'll have your job.' 'Are you mad?'
'I may well be,' said the Mulla, 'but is that a necessary qualification?'
Moral: Ambition is all right, providing that you don't get in the other fellow's way.
GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT
A guide was taking a party round the British Museum. 'This sarcophagus is five thousand years old.' A bearded figure with a turban stepped forward.
'You are mistaken,' said Nasrudin, 'for it is five thousand and three years old.'
Everyone was impressed, and the guide was not pleased. They passed into another room.
'This vase', said the guide, 'is two thousand five hundred years old.'
'Two thousand five hundred and three,' intoned Nasrudin. 'Now look here,' said the guide, 'how can you date things so precisely ? I don't care if you do come from the East, people just don't know things like that.'
'Simple,' said Nasrudin. 'I was last here three years ago. That time you said the vase was two thousand five hundred years old.'
Moral: It's later than you think.
PROBLEMS OF LONELINESS
Something frightened Mulla Nasrudin as he was walking down a road. He threw himself into a ditch and then began to think that he had been frightened to death.
After a time he became very cold and hungry. He walked home and told his wife the sad news, and went back to his ditch.
His wife, sobbing bitterly, went to the neighbours for comfort. 'My husband is dead, lying in a ditch.'
'How do you know?'
'There was nobody to see him, so he had to come and tell me himself, poor dear.'
LOST PROPERTY
Mulla Nasrudin was walking through the streets at midnight. The watchman asked:
'What are you doing out so late, Mulla?'
'My sleep has disappeared and I am looking for it.'
Nasrudin was being interviewed for employment in a department store.
The personnel manager said: 'We like ambitious men here. What sort of a job are you after?' 'All right,' said Nasrudin, 'I'll have your job.' 'Are you mad?'
'I may well be,' said the Mulla, 'but is that a necessary qualification?'
Moral: Ambition is all right, providing that you don't get in the other fellow's way.
GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT
A guide was taking a party round the British Museum. 'This sarcophagus is five thousand years old.' A bearded figure with a turban stepped forward.
'You are mistaken,' said Nasrudin, 'for it is five thousand and three years old.'
Everyone was impressed, and the guide was not pleased. They passed into another room.
'This vase', said the guide, 'is two thousand five hundred years old.'
'Two thousand five hundred and three,' intoned Nasrudin. 'Now look here,' said the guide, 'how can you date things so precisely ? I don't care if you do come from the East, people just don't know things like that.'
'Simple,' said Nasrudin. 'I was last here three years ago. That time you said the vase was two thousand five hundred years old.'
Moral: It's later than you think.
PROBLEMS OF LONELINESS
Something frightened Mulla Nasrudin as he was walking down a road. He threw himself into a ditch and then began to think that he had been frightened to death.
After a time he became very cold and hungry. He walked home and told his wife the sad news, and went back to his ditch.
His wife, sobbing bitterly, went to the neighbours for comfort. 'My husband is dead, lying in a ditch.'
'How do you know?'
'There was nobody to see him, so he had to come and tell me himself, poor dear.'
LOST PROPERTY
Mulla Nasrudin was walking through the streets at midnight. The watchman asked:
'What are you doing out so late, Mulla?'
'My sleep has disappeared and I am looking for it.'
The Subtleties of Mulla Nasrudin
From 'The Sufis' by Idris Shah
When you arrive at the sea, you
Do not talk of the tributary.
(Hakim Sanai, The Walled Garden of Truth)
The Legend of Nasrudin, appended to the Subtleties and dating from at least the thirteenth century, touches on some of the reasons for introducing Nasrudin. Humor cannot be prevented from spreading; it has a way of slipping through the patterns of thought which are imposed upon mankind by habit and design. As a complete system of thought, Nasrudin exists at so many depths that he cannot be killed. Some measure of the truth of this might be seen in the fact that such diverse and alien organizations as the British Society of the Promotion of Christian Knowledge and the Soviet Government have both pressed Nasrudin into service. The S.P.C.K. published a few of the stories as Tales of the Khoja; while (perhaps on the principle of 'If you cannot beat them, join them') the Russians made a film of Nasrudin under the name of The Adventures of Nasrudin. Even the Greeks, who accepted few other things from the Turks, consider him a part of their cultural heritage. Secular Turkey, through its information department, has published a selection o the metaphysical jokes attributed to this supposed Moslem preacher who is the archetype of the Sufi mystic. And yet the dervish Orders were suppressed by law in republican Turkey.
Nobody really knows who Nasrudin was, where he lived, or when. This is truly in character, for the whole intention is to provide a figure who cannot really be characterized, and who is timeless. It is the message, not the man, which is important to the Sufis. This has not prevented people from providing him with a spurious history, and even a tomb. Scholars, against whose pedantry in his stories Nasrudin frequently emerges triumphant, have even tried to take his Subtleties to pieces in the hope of finding appropriate biographical material. One of the 'discoveries' would have warmed the heart of Nasrudin himself. Nasrudin said that he considered himself upside down in this world, argues one scholar; and from this he infers that the supposed date of Nasrudin's death, on his 'tombstone,' should be read not as 386, but 683. Another professor feels that the Arabic numerals used would, if truly reversed, look more like the figures 274. He gravely records that a dervish to whom he appealed for aid in this "…merely said, 'Why not drop a spider in some ink and see what marks he makes in crawling out of it. This should give the correct date or show something.'"
In fact, 386 means 300+80+6. Transposed into Arabic letters, this decodes as SH, W, F, which spells the word ShaWaF: 'to cause someone to see, to show a thing.' The dervish's spider would 'show' something, as he himself said.
If we look at some of the classical Nasrudin stories in as detached a way as possible, we soon find that the wholly scholastic approach is the last one that the Sufi will allow:
Nasrudin, ferrying a pedant across a piece of rough water, said something ungrammatical to him. 'Have you never studies grammar? Asked the scholar.
'No.'
'Then half of your life has been wasted.'
A few minutes later Nasrudin turned to the passenger. 'Have you ever learned to swim?'
'No. Why?'
'Then all your life is wasted-we are sinking!'
This emphasis upon Sufism as a practical activity, denying that the formal intellect can arrive at truth, and that pattern-thinking derived from the familiar world can be applied to true reality, which moves in another dimension.
From 'The Sufis' by Idris Shah
When you arrive at the sea, you
Do not talk of the tributary.
(Hakim Sanai, The Walled Garden of Truth)
The Legend of Nasrudin, appended to the Subtleties and dating from at least the thirteenth century, touches on some of the reasons for introducing Nasrudin. Humor cannot be prevented from spreading; it has a way of slipping through the patterns of thought which are imposed upon mankind by habit and design. As a complete system of thought, Nasrudin exists at so many depths that he cannot be killed. Some measure of the truth of this might be seen in the fact that such diverse and alien organizations as the British Society of the Promotion of Christian Knowledge and the Soviet Government have both pressed Nasrudin into service. The S.P.C.K. published a few of the stories as Tales of the Khoja; while (perhaps on the principle of 'If you cannot beat them, join them') the Russians made a film of Nasrudin under the name of The Adventures of Nasrudin. Even the Greeks, who accepted few other things from the Turks, consider him a part of their cultural heritage. Secular Turkey, through its information department, has published a selection o the metaphysical jokes attributed to this supposed Moslem preacher who is the archetype of the Sufi mystic. And yet the dervish Orders were suppressed by law in republican Turkey.
Nobody really knows who Nasrudin was, where he lived, or when. This is truly in character, for the whole intention is to provide a figure who cannot really be characterized, and who is timeless. It is the message, not the man, which is important to the Sufis. This has not prevented people from providing him with a spurious history, and even a tomb. Scholars, against whose pedantry in his stories Nasrudin frequently emerges triumphant, have even tried to take his Subtleties to pieces in the hope of finding appropriate biographical material. One of the 'discoveries' would have warmed the heart of Nasrudin himself. Nasrudin said that he considered himself upside down in this world, argues one scholar; and from this he infers that the supposed date of Nasrudin's death, on his 'tombstone,' should be read not as 386, but 683. Another professor feels that the Arabic numerals used would, if truly reversed, look more like the figures 274. He gravely records that a dervish to whom he appealed for aid in this "…merely said, 'Why not drop a spider in some ink and see what marks he makes in crawling out of it. This should give the correct date or show something.'"
In fact, 386 means 300+80+6. Transposed into Arabic letters, this decodes as SH, W, F, which spells the word ShaWaF: 'to cause someone to see, to show a thing.' The dervish's spider would 'show' something, as he himself said.
If we look at some of the classical Nasrudin stories in as detached a way as possible, we soon find that the wholly scholastic approach is the last one that the Sufi will allow:
Nasrudin, ferrying a pedant across a piece of rough water, said something ungrammatical to him. 'Have you never studies grammar? Asked the scholar.
'No.'
'Then half of your life has been wasted.'
A few minutes later Nasrudin turned to the passenger. 'Have you ever learned to swim?'
'No. Why?'
'Then all your life is wasted-we are sinking!'
This emphasis upon Sufism as a practical activity, denying that the formal intellect can arrive at truth, and that pattern-thinking derived from the familiar world can be applied to true reality, which moves in another dimension.
THE VALUE OF TRUTH
'If you want truth', Nasrudin told a group of Seekers who had
come to hear his teachings, 'you will have to pay for it.'
'But why should you have to pay for something like truth?'
asked one of the company.
'Have you noticed', said Nasrudin, 'that it is the scarcity
of a thing which determines its value?'
'If you want truth', Nasrudin told a group of Seekers who had
come to hear his teachings, 'you will have to pay for it.'
'But why should you have to pay for something like truth?'
asked one of the company.
'Have you noticed', said Nasrudin, 'that it is the scarcity
of a thing which determines its value?'
Sufi Stories - Mulla Nasruddin
From the Exploits of the Incomparable Mulla Nasrudin by Idries Shah:
BACK TO FRONT:
Nasrudin was visited by some students, who asked whether they might hear his lessons. He agreed, and they set out to the lecture hall, walking behind the Mulla, who had mounted his donkey with his face to its tail.
People began to stare. They thought that the Mulla must be a fool, and the students who followed him even greater fools. Who after all, walks behind a man who rides a donkey back to front.
After a little while the students began to become uneasy, and said to the Mulla:
"O Mulla! people are looking at us, Why do you ride in this manner?"
Nasrudin frowned. "You are thinking about what people think, than what we are doing." he said. "I shall explain it to you, If you walk in front, this would show disrespect to me, because you would have your backs to me.
If I walked behind, the same would be true. If I ride ahead with my back towards you, this shows disrespect for you. This is the only way of doing it."
THE USE OF LIGHT:
"I can see in the dark" boasted Nasrudin one day in the teahouse"
"If that's so, who do we sometimes see you carrying a light through the streets?"
"Only to prevent other people from colliding with me"
THE ANSWER:
"There is nothing without an answer," said a monk as he entered a teahouse nwhere Nasrudin and his friends sat. "Yet I have been challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," Observed the Mulla.
"Would that I had been there! Tell it to me, and I shall answer it,"
"Very well" He said "Why are you stealing into my house through a window by night?"
from "The Pleasantries of the Incredible Mulla Nasrudin" By Idries Shah
MOVING:
A thief visited the house of a dervish and left with half of his belongings. The dervish picked up the rest and set out after the thief.
"What are you up to?' the thief inquired when he saw the dervish following him in the street.
"Nothing" the dervish answered. "For quite a long time I have been thinking about moving to a better place, now that you are so kind as to carry half of my belongings I am taking the rest and moving in with you. My wife and family will join tomorrow morning."
"Here" said the thief, putting down his loot. "Please take them back, and let me go."
From: Another Way of Laughter: by Mussun Farzan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teaching Stories from Idries Shah's book "The Way of the Sufi"
The Generous Man
There was a rich and generous man of Bokhara. Because he had a high rank in the invisible hierarchy, he was known as the President of the World. He made one condition about his bounty. Every day he gave gold to one category of people - the sick, widows, and so on. But nothing was to be given to anyone who opens his mouth.
Not all could keep silent.
One day it was the turn of the lawyers to receive their share of the bounty.
One of them could not restrain himself and made the most complete appeal possible.
Nothing was given to him.
This was not the end, however, of his efforts. The following day, invalids were being helped, so he pretended that his limbs had been broken.
But the President knew him, and he obtained nothing.
The very next day he posed in another guise, covering his face, with the people of another category. He was again recognised and sent away.
Again and again he tried, even disguising himself as a woman; again without result.
Finally this lawyer found an undertaker and told him to wrap him in a shroud. "When the President passes bay he will perhaps assume that this is a corpse. He may throw down some money towards my burial - and I will give you a share if it".
This was done. A gold piece from the hand of the President fell upon the shroud. The Lawyer seized it, our of fear that the undertaker would get it first. Then he spoke to the benefactor: "you denied me your bounty. Note how I have gained it!"
"Nothing can you have from me," replied the generous man, "until you die".
This is the meaning of the cryptic phrase; 'Man must die before he dies."
The gift comes after 'death' and not before. and this 'death', even, is not possible without help".
THE REASON:
The Mulla went to see a rich man.
"Give me some money"
"Why"
"I want to buy... an elephant"
"If you have not got money you can't afford to keep an elephant"
"I came here" said Nasrudin "to get money, not advice"
From the Exploits of the Incomparable Mulla Nasrudin by Idries Shah:
BACK TO FRONT:
Nasrudin was visited by some students, who asked whether they might hear his lessons. He agreed, and they set out to the lecture hall, walking behind the Mulla, who had mounted his donkey with his face to its tail.
People began to stare. They thought that the Mulla must be a fool, and the students who followed him even greater fools. Who after all, walks behind a man who rides a donkey back to front.
After a little while the students began to become uneasy, and said to the Mulla:
"O Mulla! people are looking at us, Why do you ride in this manner?"
Nasrudin frowned. "You are thinking about what people think, than what we are doing." he said. "I shall explain it to you, If you walk in front, this would show disrespect to me, because you would have your backs to me.
If I walked behind, the same would be true. If I ride ahead with my back towards you, this shows disrespect for you. This is the only way of doing it."
THE USE OF LIGHT:
"I can see in the dark" boasted Nasrudin one day in the teahouse"
"If that's so, who do we sometimes see you carrying a light through the streets?"
"Only to prevent other people from colliding with me"
THE ANSWER:
"There is nothing without an answer," said a monk as he entered a teahouse nwhere Nasrudin and his friends sat. "Yet I have been challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," Observed the Mulla.
"Would that I had been there! Tell it to me, and I shall answer it,"
"Very well" He said "Why are you stealing into my house through a window by night?"
from "The Pleasantries of the Incredible Mulla Nasrudin" By Idries Shah
MOVING:
A thief visited the house of a dervish and left with half of his belongings. The dervish picked up the rest and set out after the thief.
"What are you up to?' the thief inquired when he saw the dervish following him in the street.
"Nothing" the dervish answered. "For quite a long time I have been thinking about moving to a better place, now that you are so kind as to carry half of my belongings I am taking the rest and moving in with you. My wife and family will join tomorrow morning."
"Here" said the thief, putting down his loot. "Please take them back, and let me go."
From: Another Way of Laughter: by Mussun Farzan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teaching Stories from Idries Shah's book "The Way of the Sufi"
The Generous Man
There was a rich and generous man of Bokhara. Because he had a high rank in the invisible hierarchy, he was known as the President of the World. He made one condition about his bounty. Every day he gave gold to one category of people - the sick, widows, and so on. But nothing was to be given to anyone who opens his mouth.
Not all could keep silent.
One day it was the turn of the lawyers to receive their share of the bounty.
One of them could not restrain himself and made the most complete appeal possible.
Nothing was given to him.
This was not the end, however, of his efforts. The following day, invalids were being helped, so he pretended that his limbs had been broken.
But the President knew him, and he obtained nothing.
The very next day he posed in another guise, covering his face, with the people of another category. He was again recognised and sent away.
Again and again he tried, even disguising himself as a woman; again without result.
Finally this lawyer found an undertaker and told him to wrap him in a shroud. "When the President passes bay he will perhaps assume that this is a corpse. He may throw down some money towards my burial - and I will give you a share if it".
This was done. A gold piece from the hand of the President fell upon the shroud. The Lawyer seized it, our of fear that the undertaker would get it first. Then he spoke to the benefactor: "you denied me your bounty. Note how I have gained it!"
"Nothing can you have from me," replied the generous man, "until you die".
This is the meaning of the cryptic phrase; 'Man must die before he dies."
The gift comes after 'death' and not before. and this 'death', even, is not possible without help".
THE REASON:
The Mulla went to see a rich man.
"Give me some money"
"Why"
"I want to buy... an elephant"
"If you have not got money you can't afford to keep an elephant"
"I came here" said Nasrudin "to get money, not advice"
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
Tersebut riwayat seorang puteri yang cantik rupawan.Puteri Sheila on 7 gerangan namanya. Sejak lahir lagi puteri ini telah terkena sumpahan. Apa sahaja benda yang dipegang oleh puteri akan cair. Oleh sebab itu,semua lelaki tidak mahu mendekati puteri disebabkan rasa takut yang amat sangat.Takut jikalau puteri tu terpegang mereka maka mereka akan cair juga. Musykil Ayahanda Tuan Puteri mengenangkan nasib malang puterinya itu. Maka dengan nasihat memanda perdana menteri, Maharaja pun membawa puteri berjumpa dengan seorang bomoh untuk berubat. Mengikut kata bomoh,puteri akan terlepas dari sumpahan jika puteri dapat memegang sesuatu yang takkan air.Akan tetapi bomoh itu sendiri pun tidak pasti apakah benda tersebut. Atas cadangan memanda perdana menteri, Maharaja telah mencanangkan kepada seluruh rakyat jelata bahawa barang mana-mana lelaki yang dapat mempersembahkan sesuatu,yang apabila puterinya sentuh tidak akan cair, maka lelaki itulah yang akan dipersandingkan dengan puterinya itu. Maka pada hari itu, berduyun-duyun lah lelaki, hatta yang dekat mahupun yang jauh,datang membawa benda masing-masing dengan harapan menggunung hendak menjadi menantu raja.
Arakian, pertandingan pun berlangsung.....Muncul lah lelaki yang pertama,Maharaja: Ha, apa benda yang kau bawa tu?Lelaki#1 : Hamba membawa batang logam Titanium. Logam inilah yang paling keras dalam dunia. Pada zaman akan datang, logam ini menjadi batang golf,bateri dan kapal terbang.Maharaja : Baik, biar puteri Beta pegang benda itu.Lelaki#1 : Silakan....Maka puteri itu pun pegang la logam Titanium itu.Ahhhhhh Cair nampaknya logam itu.Kecewa lah lelaki itu, Maharaja dan tuan puteri... Muncullah lelaki ke-2.....Maharaja: Ha kamu! Apa yang kamu bawa tu?Lelaki#2: Hamba membawa batu berlian.
Benda ini lah yang paling keras dalam dunia. Pada masa akan datang,benda ini bukan saja menjadi perhiasan malah digunakan untuk memotong besi dan digunakan untuk menggali minyak di dasar lautan.Maharaja: Kalau begitu, biar puteri Beta mencubanya. Lelaki#2: Silakan..... Maka puteri itu pun memegang le berlian tersebut.Ahhhhhhhh Cair jugak berlian itu nampaknya. Kecewa la lelaki itu, maharaja dan puteri. Seterusnya, lelaki-lelaki lain pun mencuba juga tapi malangnya semua benda yang dipegang oleh puteri tetap cair hendaknya... Kemudian muncul lah lelaki yang terakhir. Eh!! Dia datang berlenggang aje tanpa membawa apa-apa pun!Maharaja: Hey Kamu! Apa yang kamu bawa? Kenapa datang berlenggang aje?Lelaki: Patik ada membawa benda tuanku. Tapi benda hamba tu ada dalam poket seluar hamba ini.Maharaja: Kalau begitu, keluarkanlah benda kamu tu.Biar puteri Beta cuba memegangnya.Lelaki:Tak boleh tuanku. Kalau puteri hendak memegangnya,seluklah dalam poket seluar hamba ini...Maharaja: Hmmmm....Kalau begitu, baiklah!
Maka terpaksalah puteri itu menyeluk dalam poket seluar lelaki itu. Puteri teragak-agak kerna puteri tidak pasti apa yang tersembunyi di dalam poket lelaki itu. Kemudian puteri terpegang sesuatu...Mukanya merah menahan malu. Lelaki itu hanya tersenyum saja.Tiba-tiba puteri menarik tangannya kembali. Puteri berlalu dari situ kerana malu. Maharaja hairan... Maharaja pun bertanya puterinya Maharaja: Anakanda dapat pegang sesuatu?Puteri: Dapat....Maharaja: Benda tu cair? Puteri: Tak....Maharaja: Baiklah, dengan ini Beta istiharkan lelaki ini menjadi menantu Beta! Lelaki: Hehehehehehehehehehehe.......Tapi.....Apakah yang puteri itu pegang?Kenapa lelaki itu ketawa? Dan kenapa benda tu tak cair? Apakah yang korang rasa puteri itu telah pegang?Apa yang terlintas dalam kepala korang haaaaa? >Hehehehehehehehehe..... > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > >
BENDA ITU IALAH------ COKLAT M&M CAIR DIMULUT, TAK CAIR DITANGAN! (MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH NOT IN YOUR HANDS
Arakian, pertandingan pun berlangsung.....Muncul lah lelaki yang pertama,Maharaja: Ha, apa benda yang kau bawa tu?Lelaki#1 : Hamba membawa batang logam Titanium. Logam inilah yang paling keras dalam dunia. Pada zaman akan datang, logam ini menjadi batang golf,bateri dan kapal terbang.Maharaja : Baik, biar puteri Beta pegang benda itu.Lelaki#1 : Silakan....Maka puteri itu pun pegang la logam Titanium itu.Ahhhhhh Cair nampaknya logam itu.Kecewa lah lelaki itu, Maharaja dan tuan puteri... Muncullah lelaki ke-2.....Maharaja: Ha kamu! Apa yang kamu bawa tu?Lelaki#2: Hamba membawa batu berlian.
Benda ini lah yang paling keras dalam dunia. Pada masa akan datang,benda ini bukan saja menjadi perhiasan malah digunakan untuk memotong besi dan digunakan untuk menggali minyak di dasar lautan.Maharaja: Kalau begitu, biar puteri Beta mencubanya. Lelaki#2: Silakan..... Maka puteri itu pun memegang le berlian tersebut.Ahhhhhhhh Cair jugak berlian itu nampaknya. Kecewa la lelaki itu, maharaja dan puteri. Seterusnya, lelaki-lelaki lain pun mencuba juga tapi malangnya semua benda yang dipegang oleh puteri tetap cair hendaknya... Kemudian muncul lah lelaki yang terakhir. Eh!! Dia datang berlenggang aje tanpa membawa apa-apa pun!Maharaja: Hey Kamu! Apa yang kamu bawa? Kenapa datang berlenggang aje?Lelaki: Patik ada membawa benda tuanku. Tapi benda hamba tu ada dalam poket seluar hamba ini.Maharaja: Kalau begitu, keluarkanlah benda kamu tu.Biar puteri Beta cuba memegangnya.Lelaki:Tak boleh tuanku. Kalau puteri hendak memegangnya,seluklah dalam poket seluar hamba ini...Maharaja: Hmmmm....Kalau begitu, baiklah!
Maka terpaksalah puteri itu menyeluk dalam poket seluar lelaki itu. Puteri teragak-agak kerna puteri tidak pasti apa yang tersembunyi di dalam poket lelaki itu. Kemudian puteri terpegang sesuatu...Mukanya merah menahan malu. Lelaki itu hanya tersenyum saja.Tiba-tiba puteri menarik tangannya kembali. Puteri berlalu dari situ kerana malu. Maharaja hairan... Maharaja pun bertanya puterinya Maharaja: Anakanda dapat pegang sesuatu?Puteri: Dapat....Maharaja: Benda tu cair? Puteri: Tak....Maharaja: Baiklah, dengan ini Beta istiharkan lelaki ini menjadi menantu Beta! Lelaki: Hehehehehehehehehehehe.......Tapi.....Apakah yang puteri itu pegang?Kenapa lelaki itu ketawa? Dan kenapa benda tu tak cair? Apakah yang korang rasa puteri itu telah pegang?Apa yang terlintas dalam kepala korang haaaaa? >Hehehehehehehehehe..... > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > > > >>>> > >> > >
BENDA ITU IALAH------ COKLAT M&M CAIR DIMULUT, TAK CAIR DITANGAN! (MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH NOT IN YOUR HANDS
Budak dalam ni....
Orang terlalu ramai dalam bas mini. Naiklah seorang wanita muda yang sedang mengandung. Lalu dengan sopan dia berkata kepada seorang lelaki yang sedang duduk di sebuah kerusi. "Encik, bolehkan bagi saya duduk? Saya berdiri tak apa, tetapi budak di dalam ni..". Lelaki tu pun memberikan tempat duduknya kepada wanita tersebut.
Kemudian lelaki itu pun mengeluar rokok lalu menghisap rokok, lalu wanita itu berkata, "Encik, b oleh ke encik berhenti merokok. Saya tak apa, tapi budak di dalam ni..". Lelaki itu pun dgn tersipu2 membuang putung rokok tersebut. Tetapi di dalam hati membara, geram betul pada wanita itu. Dah lah aku terpaksa beri tempa t duduk aku, ni dia boleh tegur aku yang sedang merokok. Macam mana aku nak pekena dia pula?
Tiba2 angin bertiup, dan terselaklah kain wanita itu, dan nampaklah pangkal pahanya yang putih melepak, maka dgn spotan lelaki itu be rkata "Cik puan, boleh tak cik puan tutup kain cik puan. Saya tak apa, tetapi budak di dalam (seluar) ni tak boleh ....
Orang terlalu ramai dalam bas mini. Naiklah seorang wanita muda yang sedang mengandung. Lalu dengan sopan dia berkata kepada seorang lelaki yang sedang duduk di sebuah kerusi. "Encik, bolehkan bagi saya duduk? Saya berdiri tak apa, tetapi budak di dalam ni..". Lelaki tu pun memberikan tempat duduknya kepada wanita tersebut.
Kemudian lelaki itu pun mengeluar rokok lalu menghisap rokok, lalu wanita itu berkata, "Encik, b oleh ke encik berhenti merokok. Saya tak apa, tapi budak di dalam ni..". Lelaki itu pun dgn tersipu2 membuang putung rokok tersebut. Tetapi di dalam hati membara, geram betul pada wanita itu. Dah lah aku terpaksa beri tempa t duduk aku, ni dia boleh tegur aku yang sedang merokok. Macam mana aku nak pekena dia pula?
Tiba2 angin bertiup, dan terselaklah kain wanita itu, dan nampaklah pangkal pahanya yang putih melepak, maka dgn spotan lelaki itu be rkata "Cik puan, boleh tak cik puan tutup kain cik puan. Saya tak apa, tetapi budak di dalam (seluar) ni tak boleh ....
"Sepasang orang tua datang ke restoran Mc Donald dengan saling berpegangan tangan. Mereka duduk disebuah bngku panjang berdua, disamping seorang anak muda. Si datuk segera berdiri dan memesan makanan, sebuah hamburger, satu paket kentang goreng dan segelas minuman.
Setelah mendapat makanan datuk duduk di sebelah nenek, membahagi hamburger menjadi 2 bahagian, menghitung kentang goreng dengan cermat dan membagi adil dengan si nenek, kemudian mengambil dua 'straw' minuman, menaruh gelas minuman tepat ditengah meja.
Si anak muda memperhatikan tingkah sepasang datuk-nenek itu dengan penuh minat.
Si datuk kemudian mulai memakan bahagiannya, sementara si nenek hanya memperhatikan. Si anak muda merasa kasihan, akhirnya merapati pasangan tersebut dan berkata: "Tok, boleh saya belikan makanan yang lain?"
Si datuk menjawab : "tak payah terima kasih. Kami memang selalu berkongsi makanan yang sama" Sampai si datuk selesai makan, mengelap mulut dengan tissue, si nen ek masih saja menunggu tanpa menyentuh makanan bahagiannya.
Si anak muda mendekat lagi, kali ini berkata : "Nek, boleh saya belikan makanan yang lain, mungkin nenek tidak suka yang ini ?"Si Nenek menjawab;
"
Tidak terima kasih.." Terus si Anak muda bertanya lagi, "Kalau begitu kenapa makanan nenek tidak dimakan, kan nenek dan datuk suka berkongsi?"
Kata si Nenek " Saya sedang menunggu gigi... ... ... .giliran saya selepas datuk... ..!"
Setelah mendapat makanan datuk duduk di sebelah nenek, membahagi hamburger menjadi 2 bahagian, menghitung kentang goreng dengan cermat dan membagi adil dengan si nenek, kemudian mengambil dua 'straw' minuman, menaruh gelas minuman tepat ditengah meja.
Si anak muda memperhatikan tingkah sepasang datuk-nenek itu dengan penuh minat.
Si datuk kemudian mulai memakan bahagiannya, sementara si nenek hanya memperhatikan. Si anak muda merasa kasihan, akhirnya merapati pasangan tersebut dan berkata: "Tok, boleh saya belikan makanan yang lain?"
Si datuk menjawab : "tak payah terima kasih. Kami memang selalu berkongsi makanan yang sama" Sampai si datuk selesai makan, mengelap mulut dengan tissue, si nen ek masih saja menunggu tanpa menyentuh makanan bahagiannya.
Si anak muda mendekat lagi, kali ini berkata : "Nek, boleh saya belikan makanan yang lain, mungkin nenek tidak suka yang ini ?"Si Nenek menjawab;
"
Tidak terima kasih.." Terus si Anak muda bertanya lagi, "Kalau begitu kenapa makanan nenek tidak dimakan, kan nenek dan datuk suka berkongsi?"
Kata si Nenek " Saya sedang menunggu gigi... ... ... .giliran saya selepas datuk... ..!"
Al kisah seorang anak gadis yang ingin berkahwin mengikut pilihansendiri..Lalu dinyatakan hasratnya kepada orang tuanya..kemudian berkatalah orang tuanya... sekiranya engkau ingin lelaki pilihan engkau sendiri.. carilah yang sopan santun dan ORIGINAL.
Hatta sebulan mencari bertemu lah dia dengan seorang jejaka yang sopan santun dan keoriginalannya belum lagi diketahui...setelah selesai upcara akad nikah maka malam pertama pun dilalui bersama.
Pada malam pertamanya sisuami pun memakai kondom untuk membuat perancangan keluarga. Kebesokan harinya..si isteri pun memberitahu kepada orang tuanya bahawa suaminya betul betul original..kemudian orang tuanya pun bertanya macam mana engkau tahu laki engkau tu original...anaknya pun berkata... yang sisuaminya punye leeee original sebab PLASTIK pun tak buka gi...........................;-)
Hatta sebulan mencari bertemu lah dia dengan seorang jejaka yang sopan santun dan keoriginalannya belum lagi diketahui...setelah selesai upcara akad nikah maka malam pertama pun dilalui bersama.
Pada malam pertamanya sisuami pun memakai kondom untuk membuat perancangan keluarga. Kebesokan harinya..si isteri pun memberitahu kepada orang tuanya bahawa suaminya betul betul original..kemudian orang tuanya pun bertanya macam mana engkau tahu laki engkau tu original...anaknya pun berkata... yang sisuaminya punye leeee original sebab PLASTIK pun tak buka gi...........................;-)
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, a Malaysian scientist En Mat Boot, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Malaysian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless mobile phones."
.. MALAYSIA BOLEH!! ....
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, a Malaysian scientist En Mat Boot, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Malaysian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless mobile phones."
.. MALAYSIA BOLEH!! ....
Dot Pi Dot Mai.
Salman (bukan nama betul) pulang dari kerja satu petang dan terdengarsuaraisterinya dalam bilik mengerang. Dia berlari naik ke bilik dan melihatisterinya terlantar di katil berpeluh tanpa pakaian.
"Kenapa ni sayang?" tanya Salman.
"I diserang sakit jantung", jawab isterinya.
Salman berlari ke bawah untuk menalipon doktor tapi belum sempat diatalipon, anaknya yang berumur 5 tahun berlari datang dan berkata, "Papa,acik Lan ada bawah katil ayah tak pakai suar."
Salman mula naik angin dan naik semula ke biliknya. Memang betul Roslan(pun bukan nama betul) jiran mereka ada di bawah katil tanpa pakaian.
Salman menarik Roslan keluar dan berkata, "Lahanat kau Lan, isteri akukena sakit jantung. Kau pulak cuba menakutkan anak aku ye?"
Siapa Ini?
Seorang lelaki menalipon hospital untuk memberitahu yang isterinya nak bersalin. Dan jururawat hospital menjawab talipon lelaki tersebut.
Lelaki: "Hello... tolong saya sebab isteri saya nak bersalin!"
Jururawat: "Sila bertenang... ini anaknya yang pertama ke?"
Lelaki: "Apa la punya bangang... ni laki dia la!"
Jururawat: "Erkkk..."
Sepuluh Sebab Cuci Motor Adalah Lebih Baik Dari Berkhalwat.
1. Cuci motor boleh dilakukan depan kawan-kawan tanpa merasa malu dan bersalah.
2. Masa sedang asyik menggosok dada motor tak perlu tengok-tengok kiri kanan.
3. Motor tak merengek-rengek masa ia mula basah dan licin oleh sabun.
4. Boleh tangguh beberapa minit, pergi sambut telefon, makan nasi, pergi tandas, hisap rokok tanpa sesiapa yang tak puas hati.
5. Tak perlu pujuk-pujuk dan berjanji untuk bertanggung jawab sekiranya hendak mula mencuci motor.
6. Lepas cuci boleh naik dan henjut-henjut serta tunggang-tunggang dalam sebarang posisi tanpa emak atau JPJ tegur sekiranya belum dihidupkan
enjin.
7. Tak perlu bersusah payah mencari tempat tersembunyi, depan rumah atau di stesyen minyak pun boleh.
8. Nak pancut air sepuas-puasnya dalam atau luar enjin tiada yang larang.
9. Nak buat setiap hari lagi digalakkan, malah dipuji oleh kawan-kawan. Majikan tidak akan memecat anda.
10. Jika kebetulan tok kadi dan ketua kampung melintas, anda boleh menegur dengan senang hati dan mempelawa mereka mencuci motor.
Rahsia Menangkap Ikan.
Ada seorang nelayan yang selalu dapat banyak ikan bila dia ke laut... so crew TV3 interview dia untuk rahsia dia tangkap ikan.
Crew TV3 : "Apa rahsia pakcik tangkap ikan?"
Nelayan : "Pakcik tenguk cara isteri Pakcik tidur bila pakcik bangun pagi. Kalau dia mengereng ke kiri, pakcik tebar jala kiri. Kalau dia mengereng ke kanan pakcik tebar ke kanan."
CrewTV3 : "Kalau isteri pakcik tidur terlentang?"
Nelayan : "Rezeki depan mata, pakcik tak turun kelaut pagi tu..."
CrewTV3 : "Oooooooooooo......."
Malu Sesangat.
Seorang wanita muda telah ter'bersalin' di dalam sebuah lif. Dier pun malu macam nak giler dan tak mahu kuar dari lif itu. Pihak pengurusan bangunan pun memanggil polis, bomba dan psychologist untuk pujuk dier keluar.
Psychologist tu pun cakap ler, "Cik... keluar lah... aper nak dimalukan... perkara biase jer nih."
Wanita muda yang terbersalin itu pun menjawab, "Tak mau, tak mau, saya malu."
Psychologist itu menambah, "Alah cik... tahun lepas saya ader 1 kes lagi teruk... pompuan tu beranak dalam longkang!!"
Mendengarkan kata-kata Psychologist tu jer, wanita muda tu terus meraung bagai nak giler lalu berkata, "Yang tu pun saya gak, uhwaaa..!!!"
Oh Nendaku.
Chep(Nama samaran) bagitau tunang dier Lara Croft(Juga nama samaran) teringin nak jumpa nenda Lara. Satu hari, Lara berkesempatan memperkenalkan Chep kepada nendanya. Sambil duduk menunggu, Chep mengunyah kacang hazelnut sampai abis semangkuk.
Nenda Lara keluar lalu Chep bersalam dengan sopan santunnya sambil berkata, "Maaflah nek, abis semangkuk hazelnut tu saya makan tadi."
Dengan selamba ala salesman budak-budak pakai tie jual calculator, nenda Lara berkata, "Takpe, Lara memang suka sangat bawakan nenek coklat kacang hazelnut ni. Gigi nenek takde dah, jadi nenek isap je la coklatnya. Kacangnya nenek tinggalkan kat mangkuk tu."
Salman (bukan nama betul) pulang dari kerja satu petang dan terdengarsuaraisterinya dalam bilik mengerang. Dia berlari naik ke bilik dan melihatisterinya terlantar di katil berpeluh tanpa pakaian.
"Kenapa ni sayang?" tanya Salman.
"I diserang sakit jantung", jawab isterinya.
Salman berlari ke bawah untuk menalipon doktor tapi belum sempat diatalipon, anaknya yang berumur 5 tahun berlari datang dan berkata, "Papa,acik Lan ada bawah katil ayah tak pakai suar."
Salman mula naik angin dan naik semula ke biliknya. Memang betul Roslan(pun bukan nama betul) jiran mereka ada di bawah katil tanpa pakaian.
Salman menarik Roslan keluar dan berkata, "Lahanat kau Lan, isteri akukena sakit jantung. Kau pulak cuba menakutkan anak aku ye?"
Siapa Ini?
Seorang lelaki menalipon hospital untuk memberitahu yang isterinya nak bersalin. Dan jururawat hospital menjawab talipon lelaki tersebut.
Lelaki: "Hello... tolong saya sebab isteri saya nak bersalin!"
Jururawat: "Sila bertenang... ini anaknya yang pertama ke?"
Lelaki: "Apa la punya bangang... ni laki dia la!"
Jururawat: "Erkkk..."
Sepuluh Sebab Cuci Motor Adalah Lebih Baik Dari Berkhalwat.
1. Cuci motor boleh dilakukan depan kawan-kawan tanpa merasa malu dan bersalah.
2. Masa sedang asyik menggosok dada motor tak perlu tengok-tengok kiri kanan.
3. Motor tak merengek-rengek masa ia mula basah dan licin oleh sabun.
4. Boleh tangguh beberapa minit, pergi sambut telefon, makan nasi, pergi tandas, hisap rokok tanpa sesiapa yang tak puas hati.
5. Tak perlu pujuk-pujuk dan berjanji untuk bertanggung jawab sekiranya hendak mula mencuci motor.
6. Lepas cuci boleh naik dan henjut-henjut serta tunggang-tunggang dalam sebarang posisi tanpa emak atau JPJ tegur sekiranya belum dihidupkan
enjin.
7. Tak perlu bersusah payah mencari tempat tersembunyi, depan rumah atau di stesyen minyak pun boleh.
8. Nak pancut air sepuas-puasnya dalam atau luar enjin tiada yang larang.
9. Nak buat setiap hari lagi digalakkan, malah dipuji oleh kawan-kawan. Majikan tidak akan memecat anda.
10. Jika kebetulan tok kadi dan ketua kampung melintas, anda boleh menegur dengan senang hati dan mempelawa mereka mencuci motor.
Rahsia Menangkap Ikan.
Ada seorang nelayan yang selalu dapat banyak ikan bila dia ke laut... so crew TV3 interview dia untuk rahsia dia tangkap ikan.
Crew TV3 : "Apa rahsia pakcik tangkap ikan?"
Nelayan : "Pakcik tenguk cara isteri Pakcik tidur bila pakcik bangun pagi. Kalau dia mengereng ke kiri, pakcik tebar jala kiri. Kalau dia mengereng ke kanan pakcik tebar ke kanan."
CrewTV3 : "Kalau isteri pakcik tidur terlentang?"
Nelayan : "Rezeki depan mata, pakcik tak turun kelaut pagi tu..."
CrewTV3 : "Oooooooooooo......."
Malu Sesangat.
Seorang wanita muda telah ter'bersalin' di dalam sebuah lif. Dier pun malu macam nak giler dan tak mahu kuar dari lif itu. Pihak pengurusan bangunan pun memanggil polis, bomba dan psychologist untuk pujuk dier keluar.
Psychologist tu pun cakap ler, "Cik... keluar lah... aper nak dimalukan... perkara biase jer nih."
Wanita muda yang terbersalin itu pun menjawab, "Tak mau, tak mau, saya malu."
Psychologist itu menambah, "Alah cik... tahun lepas saya ader 1 kes lagi teruk... pompuan tu beranak dalam longkang!!"
Mendengarkan kata-kata Psychologist tu jer, wanita muda tu terus meraung bagai nak giler lalu berkata, "Yang tu pun saya gak, uhwaaa..!!!"
Oh Nendaku.
Chep(Nama samaran) bagitau tunang dier Lara Croft(Juga nama samaran) teringin nak jumpa nenda Lara. Satu hari, Lara berkesempatan memperkenalkan Chep kepada nendanya. Sambil duduk menunggu, Chep mengunyah kacang hazelnut sampai abis semangkuk.
Nenda Lara keluar lalu Chep bersalam dengan sopan santunnya sambil berkata, "Maaflah nek, abis semangkuk hazelnut tu saya makan tadi."
Dengan selamba ala salesman budak-budak pakai tie jual calculator, nenda Lara berkata, "Takpe, Lara memang suka sangat bawakan nenek coklat kacang hazelnut ni. Gigi nenek takde dah, jadi nenek isap je la coklatnya. Kacangnya nenek tinggalkan kat mangkuk tu."
How to choose a bride the Malaysian style.The story begin at Kampung Pandan, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called him over to her house. The son came home from work, grudgingly.Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The first one was a well-endowed telephonist-cum-receptionist.He immediately commented that : - "Aiyaa...mother, they always say....PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON....." The second nominee was a leggy secretary. This was rejected also. Reason being :- "Aiyaa...mother, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying "PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...." By this time, the mother is nearing frustration.She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher.The son suddenly agreed!! The mother was surprised & asked:- "Why this one? The previous two were a lot more better looking!" He replied :- "Teachers aaa.... teachers very good, always say:- "PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10 times... SOME MORE, SOME MORE..!"
Her youngest son (12 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted :- "Brother....female mini bus conductor more better laa....they always say.. "NAIK CEPAT,NAIK CEPAT...MASUK,MASUK..... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI...DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG....BELAKANG LAGI, ....BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!
..........."
The first one was a well-endowed telephonist-cum-receptionist.He immediately commented that : - "Aiyaa...mother, they always say....PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON....." The second nominee was a leggy secretary. This was rejected also. Reason being :- "Aiyaa...mother, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying "PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...." By this time, the mother is nearing frustration.She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher.The son suddenly agreed!! The mother was surprised & asked:- "Why this one? The previous two were a lot more better looking!" He replied :- "Teachers aaa.... teachers very good, always say:- "PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10 times... SOME MORE, SOME MORE..!"
Her youngest son (12 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted :- "Brother....female mini bus conductor more better laa....they always say.. "NAIK CEPAT,NAIK CEPAT...MASUK,MASUK..... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI...DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG....BELAKANG LAGI, ....BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!
..........."
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he has not reached a state of spiritual purity yet.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.
Then, all the other bells started to ring..........
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he has not reached a state of spiritual purity yet.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.
Then, all the other bells started to ring..........
Dalam byk2 lembu...lembu apa yang paling dicari orang??......kekekeke... .mestilah lembu yang hilangggg....
Dalam hujan lebat, malam gelap gulita, jalan tak berapa nampak, aku cari jalan mudah follow kereta depan, tiba-tiba kereta tu emergency brake, aku sondol belakang keretanya, aku turun dalam hujan lebat dan marah pemandu tu kerana berhenti mengejut, tapi dia nampak hairan kerana dimarahi dlm garaj kereta rumah dia ..aku blahhh.
Anak ular:Ibu adakah kita binatang berbisa?
Ibu ular:kadang - kadang.Kenapa???
Anak ular:Sebab saya tergigit lidah saya!
Ibu ular:Hah,Alamak!!!
Pak Kaduk jatuh dari pokok manggis, puyo...tinggi dik oi pokok tu tau tapi Pak Kaduk terselamat. Yang tak selamatnya seekor kambing, dia terkorban, kesian tau...Nak tahu mengapa, sobab kambing tu telah dikorbankan dek Pak Kaduk buat kenduri doa selamat.
Sepasang suami isteri menaiki motosikal tanpa topi keledar. Isteri: Bang, terapik bang, terapik bang. Suami memandu semakin laju kerana disangkanya ada Polis Trafik mengejar mereka. Isteri: Bang, kaki saya terapik lah bang..... rupa-rupanya kaki isterinya tersepit kat motosikal.(*_*)
Setelah Rahman dan isterinya,Salmah makan tengah hari tiba-tiba.... Salmah:Abang berhenti sekejap cermin mata saya tertinggal dekat meja kedai makan tadi. Rahman:Sssyyy itupun awak boleh lupa, tapi sini mana ada jalan nak patah balik. Salmah: Ala bang cermin mata tu mahal. Rahman:Yelah ni. Sampai sahaja di kedai makan itu,Salmah pun keluar Rahman:Mah,Jangan lupa ambik abang punya sekali.
SEBENAR NYA HULUBALANG MELAKA ADA TUJUH ORANG HANG TUAH , HANG JEBAT,HANG LEKIR,HANG LEQIU, HANG KASTURI,HANG BACA ,HANG BODOH .HEHEHE
AYAH DALAM KELAS TADI ADA BUDAK PEREMPUAN JATUH.SEMUA ORNG KETAWA TAPI SAYA TAK KETAWA PUN.KENAPA KAMU TAK KETAWA.SAYA TAK KETAWA SEBAB SAYALAH BUDAK ITU.????
1)Dalam banyak2 ikan. Ikan ape yang paling seksi?
Jawapanye:
1)Ikan belah belakang ler...
Dalam sebuah lori ader 10 ekor kambing.sedang lori itu bergerak.ader 5 ekor kambing yang melompat.kemudian jalan lagi,ader 2 ekor yang melompat.so,sekarang,tinggal berapa kambing itu sekarang..........tekalah sampai dapat................jawapannya.....10 ekor jugak......kerana kambing tu cuma melompat jerrr.......x keluar pun dari lori......ha...ha.ha.ha.....
Apa bezanya diantara jatu pokok kelapa dengan jatuh perigi. Bezanya jatuh pokok kelapa, naik pokok dulu baru jatuh, jatuh perigi pulak, jatuh dulu baru naik. jangan marah...
Dalam hujan lebat, malam gelap gulita, jalan tak berapa nampak, aku cari jalan mudah follow kereta depan, tiba-tiba kereta tu emergency brake, aku sondol belakang keretanya, aku turun dalam hujan lebat dan marah pemandu tu kerana berhenti mengejut, tapi dia nampak hairan kerana dimarahi dlm garaj kereta rumah dia ..aku blahhh.
Anak ular:Ibu adakah kita binatang berbisa?
Ibu ular:kadang - kadang.Kenapa???
Anak ular:Sebab saya tergigit lidah saya!
Ibu ular:Hah,Alamak!!!
Pak Kaduk jatuh dari pokok manggis, puyo...tinggi dik oi pokok tu tau tapi Pak Kaduk terselamat. Yang tak selamatnya seekor kambing, dia terkorban, kesian tau...Nak tahu mengapa, sobab kambing tu telah dikorbankan dek Pak Kaduk buat kenduri doa selamat.
Sepasang suami isteri menaiki motosikal tanpa topi keledar. Isteri: Bang, terapik bang, terapik bang. Suami memandu semakin laju kerana disangkanya ada Polis Trafik mengejar mereka. Isteri: Bang, kaki saya terapik lah bang..... rupa-rupanya kaki isterinya tersepit kat motosikal.(*_*)
Setelah Rahman dan isterinya,Salmah makan tengah hari tiba-tiba.... Salmah:Abang berhenti sekejap cermin mata saya tertinggal dekat meja kedai makan tadi. Rahman:Sssyyy itupun awak boleh lupa, tapi sini mana ada jalan nak patah balik. Salmah: Ala bang cermin mata tu mahal. Rahman:Yelah ni. Sampai sahaja di kedai makan itu,Salmah pun keluar Rahman:Mah,Jangan lupa ambik abang punya sekali.
SEBENAR NYA HULUBALANG MELAKA ADA TUJUH ORANG HANG TUAH , HANG JEBAT,HANG LEKIR,HANG LEQIU, HANG KASTURI,HANG BACA ,HANG BODOH .HEHEHE
AYAH DALAM KELAS TADI ADA BUDAK PEREMPUAN JATUH.SEMUA ORNG KETAWA TAPI SAYA TAK KETAWA PUN.KENAPA KAMU TAK KETAWA.SAYA TAK KETAWA SEBAB SAYALAH BUDAK ITU.????
1)Dalam banyak2 ikan. Ikan ape yang paling seksi?
Jawapanye:
1)Ikan belah belakang ler...
Dalam sebuah lori ader 10 ekor kambing.sedang lori itu bergerak.ader 5 ekor kambing yang melompat.kemudian jalan lagi,ader 2 ekor yang melompat.so,sekarang,tinggal berapa kambing itu sekarang..........tekalah sampai dapat................jawapannya.....10 ekor jugak......kerana kambing tu cuma melompat jerrr.......x keluar pun dari lori......ha...ha.ha.ha.....
Apa bezanya diantara jatu pokok kelapa dengan jatuh perigi. Bezanya jatuh pokok kelapa, naik pokok dulu baru jatuh, jatuh perigi pulak, jatuh dulu baru naik. jangan marah...
Dua ekor anjing telah terperangkap di sebuah pulau dan ingin berenang menuju ke seberang. Untuk sampai ke seberang ia memerlukan stamina cukup. Anjing A training habis-habisan, anjing B relaks je. Tiba masanya kedua-duanya pun menyeberang dan anjing B sampai awal daripada anjing A, sempat makan lagi. Anjing A pun tak puas hati, tapi anjing B kata, "Rileks la, aku ni kan anjing laut."
Seorang atok membawa cucunya ke pejabat pos untuk menghantar surat. Cucunya bertanya bila melihat atoknya memasukkan surat ke dalam tong berwarna merah. "Atok buat apa tu?" "Atok bagi surat kat kawan atok" jawap atoknya. Cucunya bertanya lagi "apa bangang sangat kawan atok duduk dalam tong merah tu?"
Seorang makcik nak beli tembikai merah, penjual menjamin tembikai yang dijualnya berwarna merah, tetapi bila tembikai tersebut berada di tangan makcik, tiba-tiba terlepas, jatuh dan berwarna sedikit keputihan, takut dipanggil penipu, penjual berkata "Eh! tadi merah, pasal jatuh tu la, dia takut jadi pucat dan putih." Makcik tu pun baling tembikai tu kat muka penjual tu.
Sebuah helikopter yang membawa seorang juruterbang beserta 2 orang kenamaan jatuh terhempas. Juruterbang itu terselamat tetapi al-Fatihah buat 2 orang kenamaan itu. Apabila sedar dari koma, juruterbang itu disoalsiasat oleh polis, "Cuba ceritakan apa yang terjadi untuk memudahkan siasatan." "Mmm... entahlah tapi pada ketinggian 30,000 meter tiba-tiba saya rasa sejuk sangat. Jadi, saya matikanlah kipas Helikopter tu..."
Seorang atok membawa cucunya ke pejabat pos untuk menghantar surat. Cucunya bertanya bila melihat atoknya memasukkan surat ke dalam tong berwarna merah. "Atok buat apa tu?" "Atok bagi surat kat kawan atok" jawap atoknya. Cucunya bertanya lagi "apa bangang sangat kawan atok duduk dalam tong merah tu?"
Seorang makcik nak beli tembikai merah, penjual menjamin tembikai yang dijualnya berwarna merah, tetapi bila tembikai tersebut berada di tangan makcik, tiba-tiba terlepas, jatuh dan berwarna sedikit keputihan, takut dipanggil penipu, penjual berkata "Eh! tadi merah, pasal jatuh tu la, dia takut jadi pucat dan putih." Makcik tu pun baling tembikai tu kat muka penjual tu.
Sebuah helikopter yang membawa seorang juruterbang beserta 2 orang kenamaan jatuh terhempas. Juruterbang itu terselamat tetapi al-Fatihah buat 2 orang kenamaan itu. Apabila sedar dari koma, juruterbang itu disoalsiasat oleh polis, "Cuba ceritakan apa yang terjadi untuk memudahkan siasatan." "Mmm... entahlah tapi pada ketinggian 30,000 meter tiba-tiba saya rasa sejuk sangat. Jadi, saya matikanlah kipas Helikopter tu..."
Ceritanya berkenaan seorang pemuda yang lurus. Jiman namanya. Rasanya takde kene mengena dengan yang hidup atau yang mati. Jiman ni tinggal di sebuah kampung di negeri Pahang.
Bila tiba bulan puasa, Jiman jadi sibuk. Tarawih, tadarus dah jadi wajib. Biasanya Jiman solat asar di Masjid. Lepas asar, Jiman tolong Tok Siak masak bubur lambuk untuk berbuka. Siak memang perlu pembantu. Adanya Jiman buat dia mudah bekerja. Jiman pun kira cepat belajar. Kalau kebetulan Siak lambat ari tu, Jiman dan start siapkan pekakas. Daun bawang, daun sup, bunga lawang, kulit kayu manis, jintan putih, jintan manis, buah pelaga, pucuk paku, semua Jiman dan siapkan. Tulang rusuk lembu pun kalau ada orang sedekah, Jiman dah siap potong. Kira ok lah.... Tapi tak konfiden kalau harap dia buat sendiri.
Siap masak, Jiman balik kerumah jinjing plastik bubur untuk adik beradik dan mak ayah bebuka dirumah. Selalunya sebelum bebuka Jiman dah ada balik kat masjid, balik rumah tu kira nak mandi je. Dia yg tukang hidang. Lepas berbuka dan solat Maghrib, Jiman kutip pulak semua pinggan cawan kotor dan letak kat dapur masjid. Nanti ada bebudak akan datang basuh. Diorg ni dapat upah dari Siak.
Jiman kena bentang sejadah pulak... untuk solat isya' dan tarawih. Solat tarawih, Jiman pilih tempat duduk sebelah bilal. Ada sebabnya... harapan Jiman, suaranya menjawab selawat nanti akan masuk kedalam mikrofon bilal tu. Jadi speaker atas menara masjid akan bawak suara tu ke seluruh kampung. Dah biasa bagi orang kampung tu dengar suara Jiman bulan puasa. Setiap kali Jiman jawap selawat "Sallallohhhh... salamualaikkkkkkkkk....." sambil badannya senget kearah kiri yang ada Tok Bilal, macam nak tekeluar anak tekak Jiman, sampai bergegar masjid. Yang di sebelah kanan Jiman mesti tutup telinga, bingit. Tapi suara Jiman tu lah yang memeriahkan lagi tarawih dimasjid tu.
Lepas tarawih, sambung pulak tadarus. Memang Jiman antara yang pandai mengaji di kampung tu. Imam yang selalu jadi tekung tadarus tu pun suka Jiman baca dengan tajwid dan lagu yang above average. Kalau takde Jiman, tadarus jadi sikit muram. Lebih kurang pukul dua belas, baru Jiman balik kerumah. Itu pun kalau takde kawan ajak tidor masjid. Kalau 10 malam terakhir, memang jarang Jiman balik rumah.
Pukul 4 pagi, Jiman dah mula ketuk buluh keketuk keliling kampung kejutkan orang bersahur dengan 4 ~ 5 orang member sebaya. Pukul 5 Jiman balik rumah bersahur... Pastu solat Subuh... pastu baru boleh tidor lama sikit, kalau takde keje..
Bayangkanlah betapa packnya program Jiman bila tiba bulan puasa.... tapi pasal seronok, Jiman tak pernah rasa letih. Mungkin Jiman ni jenis yang Rasullullah kata golongan yang seronok dengan Ramadhan dan diorang ni tak dimakan api neraka. InsyaAllah.
Walaubagaimanapun, letih tu tetap ada... walau ditahan kekadang tu mata tu terlelap juga. Kekadang kalau terlelap waktu tarawih, akan ada kawan yang cokek rusuk Jiman untuk memastikan selawat tetap berjawap. Itu dah tugas Jiman.
Nak jadi cerita, satu hari Jumaat sedang Tok Khatib baca khutbah, Jiman tertidor dengan nyenyaknya. Sekali sekala tersengtak dek airlior yang mula nak keluar, dan untuk kontrol macho, Jiman akan berlagak seolah-olah sedang kusyuk menghayati khutbah.
Dah letih sangat agaknya, Jiman kalah dengan matanya sendiri.
Di Pahang, ketika imam duduk antara dua khutbah, selawat akan dibaca sebagai permulaan doa. Kebetulan, masa bilal baca selawat, Jiman terjaga.... apa lagi.... Jiman pun jawap selawat Sallallohhhh... salamualaikkkkkkkkk....." sambil badannya senget kearah kiri yang tak ada Tok Bilal, macam nak terkeluar anak tekak Jiman, sampai bergegar masjid. Makmum di sebelah kiri Jiman yang sama tertidur, terkejut beruk, bingit. Terus spontan menyergah Jiman. Terkejut beruk Jiman kena sergah. Suara Jiman kali ni tak pulak memeriahkan masjid, tapi membuat semua terkejut.
Bukan setakat makmum lain yang kebanyakannya juga terlelap, malah Khatib atas mimbar pun terkejut... panik macam ada bom meletup... selepas seminit, baru Jiman perasan yang disebelah kiri dia bukan tok bilal... yang dijawab bukan selawat terawih.. yang hari bukan malam... dan solat tu bukan solat tarawih tetapi solat Jumaat. Terus Jiman mintak maaf pada semua jemaah. Yang cepat sedar apa sebenarnya berlaku, mula tak tahan gelak.
Bukan setakat makmum aje yang tergelak, malah Khatib atas mimbar pun bekerut muka tahan gelak.
Aku ni, tiap tahun, bila Ramadhan dan teringat cerita ni, pun masih nak tergelak...... pastu sedih ingat kampung.
Selamat berpuasa.
Wassalam.
Bila tiba bulan puasa, Jiman jadi sibuk. Tarawih, tadarus dah jadi wajib. Biasanya Jiman solat asar di Masjid. Lepas asar, Jiman tolong Tok Siak masak bubur lambuk untuk berbuka. Siak memang perlu pembantu. Adanya Jiman buat dia mudah bekerja. Jiman pun kira cepat belajar. Kalau kebetulan Siak lambat ari tu, Jiman dan start siapkan pekakas. Daun bawang, daun sup, bunga lawang, kulit kayu manis, jintan putih, jintan manis, buah pelaga, pucuk paku, semua Jiman dan siapkan. Tulang rusuk lembu pun kalau ada orang sedekah, Jiman dah siap potong. Kira ok lah.... Tapi tak konfiden kalau harap dia buat sendiri.
Siap masak, Jiman balik kerumah jinjing plastik bubur untuk adik beradik dan mak ayah bebuka dirumah. Selalunya sebelum bebuka Jiman dah ada balik kat masjid, balik rumah tu kira nak mandi je. Dia yg tukang hidang. Lepas berbuka dan solat Maghrib, Jiman kutip pulak semua pinggan cawan kotor dan letak kat dapur masjid. Nanti ada bebudak akan datang basuh. Diorg ni dapat upah dari Siak.
Jiman kena bentang sejadah pulak... untuk solat isya' dan tarawih. Solat tarawih, Jiman pilih tempat duduk sebelah bilal. Ada sebabnya... harapan Jiman, suaranya menjawab selawat nanti akan masuk kedalam mikrofon bilal tu. Jadi speaker atas menara masjid akan bawak suara tu ke seluruh kampung. Dah biasa bagi orang kampung tu dengar suara Jiman bulan puasa. Setiap kali Jiman jawap selawat "Sallallohhhh... salamualaikkkkkkkkk....." sambil badannya senget kearah kiri yang ada Tok Bilal, macam nak tekeluar anak tekak Jiman, sampai bergegar masjid. Yang di sebelah kanan Jiman mesti tutup telinga, bingit. Tapi suara Jiman tu lah yang memeriahkan lagi tarawih dimasjid tu.
Lepas tarawih, sambung pulak tadarus. Memang Jiman antara yang pandai mengaji di kampung tu. Imam yang selalu jadi tekung tadarus tu pun suka Jiman baca dengan tajwid dan lagu yang above average. Kalau takde Jiman, tadarus jadi sikit muram. Lebih kurang pukul dua belas, baru Jiman balik kerumah. Itu pun kalau takde kawan ajak tidor masjid. Kalau 10 malam terakhir, memang jarang Jiman balik rumah.
Pukul 4 pagi, Jiman dah mula ketuk buluh keketuk keliling kampung kejutkan orang bersahur dengan 4 ~ 5 orang member sebaya. Pukul 5 Jiman balik rumah bersahur... Pastu solat Subuh... pastu baru boleh tidor lama sikit, kalau takde keje..
Bayangkanlah betapa packnya program Jiman bila tiba bulan puasa.... tapi pasal seronok, Jiman tak pernah rasa letih. Mungkin Jiman ni jenis yang Rasullullah kata golongan yang seronok dengan Ramadhan dan diorang ni tak dimakan api neraka. InsyaAllah.
Walaubagaimanapun, letih tu tetap ada... walau ditahan kekadang tu mata tu terlelap juga. Kekadang kalau terlelap waktu tarawih, akan ada kawan yang cokek rusuk Jiman untuk memastikan selawat tetap berjawap. Itu dah tugas Jiman.
Nak jadi cerita, satu hari Jumaat sedang Tok Khatib baca khutbah, Jiman tertidor dengan nyenyaknya. Sekali sekala tersengtak dek airlior yang mula nak keluar, dan untuk kontrol macho, Jiman akan berlagak seolah-olah sedang kusyuk menghayati khutbah.
Dah letih sangat agaknya, Jiman kalah dengan matanya sendiri.
Di Pahang, ketika imam duduk antara dua khutbah, selawat akan dibaca sebagai permulaan doa. Kebetulan, masa bilal baca selawat, Jiman terjaga.... apa lagi.... Jiman pun jawap selawat Sallallohhhh... salamualaikkkkkkkkk....." sambil badannya senget kearah kiri yang tak ada Tok Bilal, macam nak terkeluar anak tekak Jiman, sampai bergegar masjid. Makmum di sebelah kiri Jiman yang sama tertidur, terkejut beruk, bingit. Terus spontan menyergah Jiman. Terkejut beruk Jiman kena sergah. Suara Jiman kali ni tak pulak memeriahkan masjid, tapi membuat semua terkejut.
Bukan setakat makmum lain yang kebanyakannya juga terlelap, malah Khatib atas mimbar pun terkejut... panik macam ada bom meletup... selepas seminit, baru Jiman perasan yang disebelah kiri dia bukan tok bilal... yang dijawab bukan selawat terawih.. yang hari bukan malam... dan solat tu bukan solat tarawih tetapi solat Jumaat. Terus Jiman mintak maaf pada semua jemaah. Yang cepat sedar apa sebenarnya berlaku, mula tak tahan gelak.
Bukan setakat makmum aje yang tergelak, malah Khatib atas mimbar pun bekerut muka tahan gelak.
Aku ni, tiap tahun, bila Ramadhan dan teringat cerita ni, pun masih nak tergelak...... pastu sedih ingat kampung.
Selamat berpuasa.
Wassalam.
Why English is Difficult
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot,
would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
````````````````````````````````````````
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...
If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree! Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people across the ages, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot,
would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
````````````````````````````````````````
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...
If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree! Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people across the ages, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible
Information PleaseWhen I was very young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood.I remember well, the polished old case fastened to the wall and the shiny receiver on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother would talk to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person and her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know.
"Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the correct time.
My first personal experience with this genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor.Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give me sympathy.I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and held it to my ear.
"Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
"Information."
"I hurt my finger," I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with a hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could.
"Then chip off a piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me that my pet chipmunk, which I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called "Information Please" and told her the sad story.
She listened, then said the usual thing grown ups say to soothe a child. But, I was inconsolable. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "You must remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow, I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."
"Information," said the now familiar voice.
"How do you spell fix?" I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and somehow I never thought of trying the tall, new shiny phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often in moments of doubt and perplexity, I would recall the serene sense of security I had then.I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half-an-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister who lived there now. Then, without thinking about what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please." Miraculously, I heard the small clear voice I knew so well.
"Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause.
Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must be healed by now."
I laughed, "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later, I was back in Seattle.
A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part time in the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Are you Paul?"
"Yes."
"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called when she was too sick to work.
Let me read it to you." The note said," Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you make on others.
Author Unknown
"Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the correct time.
My first personal experience with this genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor.Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give me sympathy.I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and held it to my ear.
"Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
"Information."
"I hurt my finger," I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with a hammer and it hurts."
"Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said I could.
"Then chip off a piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me that my pet chipmunk, which I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary died. I called "Information Please" and told her the sad story.
She listened, then said the usual thing grown ups say to soothe a child. But, I was inconsolable. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "You must remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow, I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please."
"Information," said the now familiar voice.
"How do you spell fix?" I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and somehow I never thought of trying the tall, new shiny phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often in moments of doubt and perplexity, I would recall the serene sense of security I had then.I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half-an-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister who lived there now. Then, without thinking about what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please." Miraculously, I heard the small clear voice I knew so well.
"Information."
I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"
There was a long pause.
Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must be healed by now."
I laughed, "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
Three months later, I was back in Seattle.
A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally.
"Are you a friend?" she said.
"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part time in the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Are you Paul?"
"Yes."
"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called when she was too sick to work.
Let me read it to you." The note said," Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you make on others.
Author Unknown
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)