During the ASEAN meeting, all PM of the ASEAN countries were present
except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY.

During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with
a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with a initial investment of
M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call
Money Mind."

Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: "I am going to start a car manufacturing
plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will
generate $50 RP million a year. Isn't that smarter."

LKY of Singapore was no impress and say, "I told my Land Transport
Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy a old printing machine and also made
SGD$50 million a year."

Everybody was taken aback and asks "What the fuck can you do with just
SGD$500 only ?"

And LKY replied "I use the machine to print COE !!!"

When Mahathir was visiting Singapore, PM Goh though he'd show the
M'sian Premier Singapore's Telecommunication capabilities. As the
M'sian entourage was touring SingTel's corporate HQ, being shown
all it's new telecom technology, Dr. M noticed a strange telephone
sitting in one corner of the room. Walking over, he found the phone
glowed dark red, and had weird occultic symbols where numbers ought
to be. He turned to ask the SingTel representative what it was.

The rep stiffened momentarily, then answered, "It's a hotline to
hell, Dr Mahathir."

Curious, Dr M wanted to give it a try. Picking up the handset,
he heard a rumbling demonic voice, "Please deposit S$10,000 for the
first minute."

When Dr. M returned home, he called up the Minister responsible for
telecommunications and told him of his discovery.

The minister then said, "Oh, we have that too, sir. We just don't
like to talk about it."

"Let me see it." said Dr. M.

So the minister brought Dr M. to see the phone. Sure enough, there
was the same deep red phone with the symbols. Picking up the phone,
he heard the same demonic voice announce, "Please deposit 50sen for
the first minute."

Surprised, Dr M. asked the minister why the call was so cheap compared
to Singapore.

"Oh, here it's a local call."

One day, one Mat Salleh from USA arrived in Subang Airport. After
he checked out from the Custom, he felt that he wanted to go to
the toilet, so he looked for a toilet. When he found the toilet,
there was an old lady sitting in front of the toilet.

When he was about to enter the toilet, the old lady stopped him
and said forty cents in Cantonese (Say Kok), the Mat Salleh just
wonder why in Malaysia, they have to "see the cock" (forty cents
in Cantonese) before entering the toilet.

So he said "No", but the old lady insisted. Since he got no choice,
he took out his cock and showed to her. The old lady said "no, no,
no, Duit, Duit" (money in Malay) but the Mat Salleh misunderstood
again because he thought she said "DO IT, DO IT"

So, he asked "NOW, HERE?"

The old lady just reply "YES, YES" because she does not understand
English.

The Mat Salleh thought she agreed to have sex with him, so he strip
up the old lady and make love to her, but the old lady was screaming
and said "SAKIT, SAKIT" (pain in Malay) and again he thought is
"suck it, suck it" so he said "OK, I will suck it for you" and take
the breast and sucked.

The old lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, My God!... in Malay).

The Mat Salleh misunderstood again. "Too HARD, OK sweet heart, I will
be gentle a bit, OK?" the Mat Salleh replied.

Suddenly the Security Office walked by, and the old lady was asking
for help, "TOLONG, TOLONG, ENCIK." (Help, Help...in Malay). But on
the other hand, the Mat Salleh replied "Not too long, just about 6
inches only."

One day, Ah Choy & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when
they saw something in their path.

"Wait!" cried Ah Choy. "Wat is lat ho..?"
"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng. "Wat is it?"

They approached the thing and looked at it very closely.

"Eee.. look like shit lah!" say Ah Choy
"Hmmm..smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep
breathe.

Ah Choy then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger
to his lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!"

Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his
tongue to lick. With confident, he said, "Confirm is shit!"

Then they smiled at each other, "Wah! lucky we didn't step on it."

Beng's 'sorry'
==============

Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the
manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind is shouting
"Not this man!!"
Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng.
So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the
words I gave you, then maybe I will give you a chance!
The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple,
Black".
Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go
green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said
Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number.
Don't Purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?
You kena sai." No further questions. He got the job.

______________________________________________________

KIASU (K.S.)
============

-----An insight into the philosophy of K.S.,
-----vividly describes the "SINGAPOREAN" culture...

A - Always must win
B - Borrow but never return
C - Cheap is good
D - Don't trust anyone
E - Everything also must grab!
F - Free! Free! Free!
G - Grab first talk later
H - Help yourself to everything
I - I first, I want, I everything
J - Jump queue
K - Keep coming back for more
L - Look for discount
M - Must not lose face
N - Never mind what they think
O - Outdo everyone you know
P - Pay only when necessary
Q - Quit while you are ahead
R - Rushing and pushing wins the race
S - Sample are always welcome
T - Take but don't give
U - Unless it's free forget it
V - Vow to be number one
W - Winner takes it All! All! All!
X - X'tra = More
Y - Yell if necessary to get what you want
Z - Zebras are kiasu because they want to be black and
white at the same time

______________________________

One day, God sent three politicians, Clinton, Ghandi and Mahatir
to Heaven by mistake. So he told them, "I've sent the three of you
here too early. You aren't suppose to die yet. Therefore, I'm
going to send you back down and before that, you can ask me a
question that you want to know about."

So, Clinton asked "When is America going to become big and busy
and rich?"

God answered, "Another 50 years."

Clinton wept and threw a tantrum.

God asked him his reason for his behaviour and Clinton said, "I'm
afraid I don't have that long a life to see that."

Next, Ghandi asked, "When is India going to be big and busy and
rich?"

God answered, "Another 100 years." Ghandi reacted as Clinton did
and gave the same reason for acting that way.

Lastly, Mahatir asked, "When is Malaysia going to be big and busy and rich?"

This time, God wept.

______________________

The world's funniest joke

October 4 2002

Scientists in Britain unveiled the world's funniest joke yesterday at the end of the largest study of humour ever.

For the past year, people around the globe were invited to judge jokes using a five-point "Giggleometer" on the internet, as well as to contribute quips of their own.

The LaughLab experiment conducted by psychologist Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

As well as identifying the joke that appealed most to people around the world, the experiment - not surprisingly - revealed wide humour differences between nations.

Scans conducted on people being told jokes also identified the brain's laughter centre - a region near the back of the frontal lobes.

The joke that received the highest global ratings was submitted by psychiatrist Gurpal Gosall from Manchester in northern England.

Here it is:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

"Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people," Wiseman said. "But this one had real universal appeal."

Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Americans and Canadians favoured jokes where people were made to look stupid.

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

Animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:

"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"

The survey revealed other fun facts:

- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick."

Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

The findings can be read at www.laughlab.co.uk

AFP

MAHATHIR, ANWAR AND SOROS (THE MAS JOKE)

One lousy day in the middle of the economic crisis, PM Mahathir was feeling extremely frustrated and wondering how a neighbouring country could be doing better than Malaysia. One of his aides told him, "I heard that their leaders consult Feng Shui masters to ensure prosperity for the country."

Dr. M thought that in that case Malaysia Boleh also, and called in the country's top bomoh to get his advice.

After reviewing the situation, the bomoh told Dr. M that there were two things that he must do.

Bomoh: Step No. 1. You must blame the crisis on SOROS.

Dr. M: But why?

Bomoh: Because SOROS stands for Speculate On Ringgit Or Stocks. You must blame him, and look for ways to control the ringgit and the stock market.

Dr. M: And the next step?

Bomoh: Step No. 2. You must get rid of ANWAR.

Dr. M: What? Why him?

Bomoh: Because ANWAR stands for A Nation Without Any Ringgit.

Dr. M: But how? That will be difficult as he is very popular.

Bomoh: Aiyoh, you bodoh! Just look at your name, MAHATHIR. Make Anwar Homosexual And Then Highlight It Repeatedly!

Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient, corrupt and with the current economic going very bad he decided to call on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and uncorruptable cabinet.

On hearing Mahathir's woes, PM Goh said, "Simple, Mahathir, I choose able men for my cabinet."

Mahathir asked, "Yes, but how do you know that they are able?"

PM Goh replied, "Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence. Don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you."

Just then, Tony Tan was walking by. PM Goh called out to him. "Hey Tony, come over here." Tony obediently walked briskly over.

PM Goh asked, "Tell me, Tony, who is your father's son ?" Tony Tan immediately replied, "Me! Of course."

PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, "See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try." Mahathir thank PM Goh and left.

Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy, and shot the question at him.

"Tell me, Anwar, who is your father's son ?"

Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After a while, he recovered and said, "Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow." Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give a good answer tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer.

The next morning, he decided to call Bill Clinton for help. Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer.

When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, "Hello, Bill, can I ask you a question?" Clinton, very busy, replied, "Alright, but it better be good!" Anwar quickly asked, "Tell me, Bill, who is your father's son ?" Clinton was fuming, "Of course it's me, you stupid !" And he slammed the phone down.

Satisfied that he's got the answer, he confidently walked into Mahathir's office and said, "Boss, I've got the answer to your question."

Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, "So tell me quick, who is your father's son, Anwar ?"

Anwar confidently replied, "It's BILL CLINTON !"

Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, "No you stupid, it's TONY TAN !"

Have fun ...... the joke is a bit sexy.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara
desert on a camel. On the third day out, the
camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the
priest surveyed their situation. After a long
period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well,
sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely

that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are

unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you
do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was
wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that
it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed
the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting
frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She
consented and he fondled them for several
minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen man's privates. Could I see
yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest
replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This priest consented and after a few minutes of
fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my privates in
the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and
let's get the hell out of here?"